Some would argue as to whether or not this is the most wonderful time of the year given the potential for family conflict. And yes, some conflict will occur when it comes to your family. But, keep in mind that holiday get togethers are limited to a few days. So negotiating and managing your way through the holidays conflict by being mindful. Here are 5 tips to help with conflict when it arises during the holidays:

1. Avoid a focus on annoyances. A major touch point for family conflict is noticing those repetitive annoying small behaviors. For example, cousin John smacks his lips when eating, or Aunt Ellen asks you every year why you aren’t married. These are small, but annoying behaviors that seem to get amplified at the holidays. Don’t allow them to trigger you. Instead, identify the annoyance ahead and determine to simply ignore and accept. You are not going to change the behavior by calling it out over a holiday.
2. Practice sibling civility. Sibling rivalry doesn’t end with adulthood. However, you can choose to respond differently and stop  old patterns of behavior by refusing to engage in the rivalry. For example, when your sister brings up her success, congratulate her and don’t try to one up her. Or when your brother seems to be favored by mom, let it happen. You are now an adult and do not have to react as you did as a child.
3. Accept differences of opinions. Expect family members to have differences given their life experiences and exposure to different ideas. Rather than allow those differences to end in conflict, marvel at the diversity even if you don’t agree. Focus on the person and the relationship and not your differences. Ask question to better understand their opinions rather than debate them. If you all agree to disagree, this can make for interesting rather than contentious conversations.
4. Know your conflict style. When it comes to conflict, do you want to repeat what you learned growing up? For example, do family members avoid, become volatile or negotiate differences? Regardless, which of those styles do you want to embrace? You don’t have to avoid conflict and can bring up an issue. Or you don’t have to engage in the chaos or intensity of a conflict. You decide how you want to handle conflict versus falling into an old pattern. Now, this will take work. You have to identify the family conflict style and know how to change it. But it is possible to change your reaction and style so as not to join the dysfunction.
5. Revisit your expectations. Do an honest assessment of your family. Include the positive points and focus on those for the holidays. But make your expectations realistic and small. People who haven’t spent much time together will have differences when they get together. Think of the family get-together as a learning time to better understand people rather than judging them or expecting them to be different. And unless your family has been in therapy together over the year, don’t expect much to change.

If you go into the holiday using these 5 tips when it comes to conflict, the time should be more enjoyable. Remember, you don’t have control over other people, only your own reactions. But controlling your reactions changes the dynamic and is powerful.