It’s always nice when studies support what we know is best for people to flourish. When it comes to sexuality, people are not flourishing despite what you see and hear from media. Sexual hurt and wounding are common in clinical practice. In part, this hurt is due to believing several myths that have become culturally acceptable. Yet even secular studies support the idea that sex is best when in the context of marriage.

Three cultural messages drive today’s sexual behaviors. 1) Experiment sexually to know if you are compatible; 2) Sex is no more than pleasure for the body, disconnected to emotional, relational and spiritual life; 3) Marriage is outdated and there is no point. Instead, live together. It is less complicated and creates no legal ties nor contract or certainly not, covenant.

Let’s look at these myths.

A study conducted by the Weakley Institute at Brigham Young University found that people who have fewer sexual experiences during they dating years have stronger marriages. Specifically, people who only have sex with their spouse are 2 to 3 times more likely to have a highly stable marriage. They also report the highest levels of sexual satisfaction and emotional closeness with their partners. So much for the need to experiment before the wedding.

And there is more: Sexually restrained people were 3 times more likely to not end their marriage compared to those who had high levels of sexual experience before marriage. In fact, the number of partners prior to marriage was one of the strongest predictors of divorce. Sexual experimentation prior to marriage was also was negatively associated with overall satisfaction, sexual quality, emotional connectedness and relationship stability later in life. More specifically, for every sexual partner before marriage, the satisfaction of the marriage decreased 4%; marital stability decreased 6.5%; and sexual satisfaction decreased 4%. So when you consider that over half of married couples enter marriage today having 5 or more previous sexual partners (CDC), do the math. Relationship problems are guaranteed.

The data on cohabitation is no better yet the number of couples who cohabitate is on the rise. Surprisingly, the biggest increase is among those 50 and over. The number has grown by 75%. Whether because of divorce or death, there seems to be more acceptance for living together as older adults (the church rarely addresses this from the pulpit). And young people have seen their parents’ generation fail at marriage.

To be clear, Orthodox Christianity does not support co-habitation nor sex outside of marriage. However, so many churches neither teach doctrine or address sexual issues for fear of losing people in their congregations. While we are to love people and accept them however they come to us in the church, the work is also to disciple them into a life that will create flourishing. Christian beliefs about marriage and divorce are not about rules and constriction, but understanding how human beings are wired, how healthy relationships work, and how people flourish. Have we lost this focus and are too often afraid to speak the truth in love?