I am so tired of my boss. He is impossible and ridiculously demanding. Every day, we encounter people who are difficult. How we respond to them matters for not only our mental health, but theirs. You don’t want to escalate tension and conflict or be a jerk in return. So, here are 10 tips to help deal with difficult people.

1. Try to be kind even if they are not. People don’t wake up one day and say, “Hey I think I want to be difficult. How can I make people not like me?”  But that is often what happens because they have become difficult.  So, while our first response is to react in an unkind way to return the favor, don’t because it makes you equally.  That’s a tall order, but returning kindness to a difficult person disarms them.
2. Do you understand what’s behind the negativity?  I am not asking you to become an armchair psychologist, but it does help to understand their life. Their need to dump on you is most likely related to their own feelings about themselves. I have learned that people are difficult because they have been hurt, had a difficult upbringing, family issues, or are stressed beyond their coping. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it puts it in context. And it gives you a focus for prayer.
3. Stay calm. When someone blames or criticizes you, don’t match their intensity. Try not to react. Take a timeout and catch your breath. Sometimes “the feeling” part of your brain gets triggered, and the “thinking” part goes offline. Count to 10, do some deep breathing—and pray for self-control. If you need to, recite the Serenity Prayer: God, help me to not react and to see them as a person made in your image. Then decide to pause, until you are calm.
4. Try to find a positive. Is there anything likable, even admirable, about the difficult person?  I had an uncle who constantly created tension and was difficult at times. He often goaded me into arguing about politics and criticized everyone in the room who didn’t agree with him. I tried to find one positive thing about my uncle to keep me from fighting with him. I would think about the positive when he was harassing me. Then I turned the conversation to sports. We’re both huge Michigan football fans, so talking about the big game, we could laugh and defuse the conflict.
5. Know your triggers. One way to stop conflict from escalating is to identify your own triggers—those hot buttons so easily pushed. Maybe you work with someone who makes you feel crazy. Figure out why. Is it because he always cuts you off mid-sentence—the exact same way that your father did? Or does he have to be right like your mom?  Why is this person getting under your skin? Once you know the trigger, strategize how to respond better.
6. Have a soft start to differences. When it’s time to have a difficult conversation with a difficult person, start softly. Say, “I value our relationship. There’s something I need to talk to you about.” Choose your words carefully; make sure you use I and we —not you. Try: “I think we both feel upset about the situation. Tell me what you need from me.” Don’t go into the conversation with guns blazing and direct confrontation. It won’t be received well.
7. Don’t tell a person they’re difficult. It is tempting, but it almost always backfires. They don’t see themselves that way and it will only exacerbate their anger. Many difficult people have personality disorders with poor impulse control and a need to win at any cost. You are not going to get anywhere by telling them how difficult they are. Know it, but don’t say it.
8. Focus on the facts. Make sure your discussion centers on the facts—not the person’s character. Yes, they will try to make it about character, but bring the discussion back to facts. For example, calmly tell the neighbor that you are upset they built a fence that cuts into your property. You don’t need to tell them they are rude, and all the neighbors are upset with them. Also, stick to one issue at a time. Don’t bring up something that happened five years ago or a long-simmering list of complaints.
9. Set boundaries. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, conflicts will escalate with difficult people. Name-calling, violence and other forms of abuse are never acceptable. So set boundaries and say, ‘This is not okay.” Difficult people will test those boundaries. Stay strong and stand your ground. You can’t make them change, but you can respond in a way that is respectful and kind, yet doesn’t allow them to walk all over you.
10. Forgive. When all else fails, you may need to cut ties. Even then, forgiveness is needed. During the Sermon on the Mount,  Jesus told us to love our enemies and bless those who curse you, not unleash our emotions over how upset we are.  Ask God to give you the patience and the heart to not react or retaliate. Don’t  hold onto offense and resentment as it will negatively impact your health and well-being. Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself and the path to healing from the hurts from a difficult person.