During a couple therapy session, I noticed the wife kept looking at her husband every time I asked her a question. She was hesitant to speak and would glance his way before answering.  He clearly dominated the direction of the session. He was controlling her answers to my questions by looks and glances to intimidate her.

You’ve heard the saying, “It’s their way or the highway!” That saying sums it up when it comes to controlling people! If you do what they want you to, there is no problem. However, the root of controlling behavior is insecurity and anxiety. Rather than feeling anxiety, controlling people control the world and others around them because there is an intense fear of losing control. And in some cases, control is the result of narcissism which reflects a lack of empathy and understanding of another person. Whatever the case, this way of dealing with relationships is not healthy.

Here are 7 signs to look for that indicate there is a control problem:

• Controlling people try to manipulate you into doing or saying exactly what they want. Usually this happens through intimidation which can include both violent and non-violent threats. If you feel pressured or coerced, consider this a sign of control.
• Controlling people try to change you into someone who conforms to their desires or wishes or be the person they want you to be. Consequently, they criticize your way of doing things.
• Controlling people don’t respect boundaries or your way of doing things. They isolate you from friends and family who can question their behavior.
• When you try to act on your own, the controlling person works hard to make you feel guilty, often using gaslighting techniques.
• Controlling people constantly check on you and allow very little independence. They ask where you have been, who were you with and what you were doing. They don’t ask out of concern, but because they want to control your actions and movements.
• Controlling people are often very jealous and want to keep you all to themselves. They feel entitled to all your time and attention.
• Controlling people don’t accept blame. From petty things to big things, they will find a way to make it your fault. Often, this involves lying.

Keep in mind that someone who wants to control you is not coming from a place of love or your best interest. This is toxic behavior designed to decrease their insecurities and anxieties.

To respond to a controlling person, you must set boundaries and stay connected to those who support you. Other people can be a voice of reason when someone it trying to manipulate you or doesn’t respect you. In severe cases of control, abuse may be involved, and safety must be assessed. If you are fearful that getting out of a controlling relationship will end in harm to you or others, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 800-799.SAFE (7233) or live on-line at thehotline.org.

From a spiritual persepctive, turning to Christ, laying down their insecurities and anxiety would be the right direction to stop this behavior. So, pray for the person to surrender to Christ, and not walk in the fear of losing control. We ultimately have no control and must trust God to direct our steps. Spiritual help could release the person of the need for control.