There is a bad habit that can hurt your relationship. It’s called phubbing, a made up word from the combination of phone + snubbing.  Simply put, it is snubbing someone who is looking or talking on their cell phone. It happens all the time but creates negative feelings when it involves other people.

You might ask, isn’t ‘this just harmless behavior, a part of our postmodern life? No, because when it happens, it can impact how you feel about a relationship. In fact, a study in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that people who were phubbed felt more negative about their communication quality and relationships. And when you add texting during your conversation, another study found that texting felt less polite and less attentive to the other person. To this point, my husband had a boss who use to phub him at almost every meeting. During a conversation, he would be looking at his phone, sometimes texting and not attending to what was being said. It got so bad that my husband stopped talking when he paid attention to his phone instead of him.  He patiently waited until the silence grew obvious and he regained the boss’ attention.

Phubbing stomps on our basic needs to belong and feel like you are a person of worth. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but when you are in a conversation with someone and they don’t look at you and instead attend to a mini machine, it has that effect, conscious or not. You feel excluded and not worth their time. Whatever is happening on that phone feels more important than you do. Which brings me to the point of self-esteem. When a phone takes precedence over you, what message does that send about your worth and value?

And then there if phubbing in marriage. There is evidence that depression and lower marital satisfaction can result when couples phub. After all, a partner who is more distracted by their phone sends a message. You are not meeting my needs. The phone is more important and where I want to spend my time. We are together but you are not the priority! I see this often when we go out to eat. Couples sit at a restaurant and both are on their cell phones. They don’t talk to each during the meal. They don’t seem to enjoy their meal and they certainly aren’t engage in meaningful conversation. It makes you wonder why they go out together? And it is sad to see two people sitting at a table completely unengaged with each other.

More of a concern is the amount of time people spend with their phones than in live interactions. We are losing our emotional intelligence when the phone takes precedence over people. I see this with students who would prefer to text me than talk with me. But I encourage them to put down the phone, come to my office and speak face to face. It’s a skill that for this generation, seems to require continuous development. They also tell me they have to be on their phones for FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) to which I say, you’re missing out right now. Your phone distracts you from the person in the present moment!

What can you do if you are phubbed? Be patient, show some grace, but let the person know how it feels. Then establish ground rules–phones, out of sight at meals or during conversation time with family or your spouse. Remember, these are machines and we control them! Stop letting them control you. Realize how conditioned you are to look at a phone rather than a person. And now that you know some of the negative effects of phubbing, make it a point not to do it! UNphub!