Recently, I was on a radio show and the host wanted to talk about “sleep divorce.” To be honest, it was not a term I was familiar with, but it certainly did pique my interest. So I looked it up and then was concerned.

First let’s talk first about the importance of good sleep as it relates to intimacy and your relationship. Good sleep can bring more intimacy. In fact, one study found that men treated their wives better when they got a good night’s rest. And to make a restful night even better, cuddle. It has a positive effect on both partners and  can lower anxiety and bring feelings of security to a relationship. In fact, the closer the better! A study in the UK found that an inch apart is better than 30 inches! OK, so you don’t need a tape measure to ensure proper distance, just get close, touch and be together!

Now, you might be thinking, I am trying to get a good night’s sleep, but I do understand wanting a sleep divorce! My spouse  pulls off my covers.  His snoring makes it impossible to sleep. The old saying, “Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone” is true!  I am ready to sleep alone just so I can sleep! And that is the idea behind a sleep divorce. It is literally an agreement to sleep in different beds or rooms.

Whatever the sleep woe, it can affect more than your mood and it can impact your marriage.

But is a sleep divorce the solution? Instead, consider these solutions:

1. Wake up and go to bed at relatively the same time. This helps establish a rhythm of sleep. So many people lack a routine.
2. If  you nap, make it short. And limit naps to early afternoons. Too much daytime sleeping throws off night time sleep
3. If snoring is due to sleep apnea, a common cause, convince your partner to be evaluated to possibly use a sleep aid like a CPAP machine. It will not only improve physical health, but might save your marriage.
4. Turn off your TV. Researchers found that TV results in less sleep, but also makes you less interested in your partner. Give yourself time to unwind and do something calming–reading, soft music, etc.
5. Check your bedding and windows. A comfortable mattress and pillow goes a long way. Cool down the room, block out light from windows, and block out noise. Use ear plugs if you need them.
6. Aim for seven or more hours as a sleep goal. It will help you better regulate your emotions.
7. Be proactive: Here is a plan: Do two 8-minute daily exercises to improve your relationship. First one: Four minutes when you say goodnight. End the day with a devotion, touching or hugging, or words of gratitude for each other. End the day on a positive note.  Nor only will feel better, but you will sleep better as well. Who doesn’t want to be reassured of being loved and appreciated at the end of a long day? Second,  four minutes when you both wake up: During that short time, touch, cuddle, talk , get your coffee together, look out the window,  hold hands…you get the idea. Be together when you start your day for four minutes!
8. Rule out a medical problem: Let’s look at a few concerns that may put us at an increased risk: Alzheimer’s Disease: New research points to a correlation between a lack of sleep and the disease. Specifically, researchers looked at sleep-disordered breathing like sleep apnea as a risk factor for Alzheimer’s Disease. Getting good sleep could be a protective factor for dementia. Diabetes Type 2: Lack of sleep is showing up in studies with children as an increased risk factor in developing diabetes. And the deficit doesn’t have to be big–losing an hour or two can make a difference. Obesity: A lack of sleep can lead to obesity. This is not new information. The body needs to reboot during the night and when you don’t get sleep, you stress your body out! Sleep to lose weight!

A sleep divorce is not going to help your intimacy. So instead of avoiding that intimate other, try to get at the root causes and fix those.