One of the common areas of tension between mothers and adult daughters involves boundaries. Boundaries are important in all relationships, and mothers and adult daughters are no exception. Different expectations about the relationship often play a role when it comes to making the relationship work. Mothers tend to want more time and attention than their adults daughters can, or are willing to give. And daughters want more independence, but must consider the wisdom of mom and her needs as well. Remember, since this is such an important intimate relationship; making it work without hidden negativity is key.

To address boundaries, establish a time to have a conversation with your mom that begins like this, “Mom, let’s talk about what you expect from me and what I expect from you, given our lives and all that we do.” Don’t get defensive. Work towards an agreement on guidelines around boundaries. Then put that agreement into practice.

Instead of becoming angry and defensive when the agreement is broken, revisit it. This is what we do in healthy adult relationship. No passive-aggressive behavior, no gossiping, complaining and tearing down the other. Be assertive and kind. For example, “Mom, remember, you weren’t going to do that.” Then, when the agreement works, positively note the change and willingness to work together. Remember, when you want to correct old problems, it takes time and intention to change family behaviors and patterns

When an expectation seems unrealistic, you will need to address it  and clarify the expectation. Keep in mind that daughters often have unrealistic expectations of their mothers. Daughters want moms to be all-knowing, all nurturing and meet every need. When moms fall short (and they will because the perfect mother does not exist), daughters can become upset and irritable. Rather than complain and feel bad, ask yourself, are you expecting too much? Only God can meet the expectation of complete unconditional love, anticipating your needs and knowing what you need every day. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t work on being more responsive to each other. It simple means it won’t always be perfect.

Clarifying expectations and setting boundaries go a long way to improve mother-daughter relationships. This takes conversation and negotiating, but is so worth the effort. When the mother-daughter relationship is healthy, it can be one of the most enjoyable relationships in your life! I can’t say enough about how much I adore and value my adult daughter. Do what you can to make that relationship work! And do it with grace, amply forgiveness and love.