When Hugh Jackson and his wife of 27 years, Deborra-lee, separated recently, I was sad. They were a celebrity couple I hoped would go the distance. I know Hollywood divorces are common but still, we would like to see couples stay together. And even after the split, the Jackmans stated their love for each but “need to go their separate journeys.” They want to pursue their individual growth, whatever that means. This is so confusing because being married doesn’t mean you can’t individually grow. Really, what we see is a lack of commitment to life long marriage.

Commitment means staying in the game when it feels bad and isn’t exactly going your way. This is when committed partners take action and says, “OK, let’s deal with the problems and work them out. We can do this together.” And this is where sacrifice comes in–you may have to compromise, or do things you aren’t thrilled about like helping clean bathrooms, take out the trash or watch a TV show your partner likes. But this level of commitment–where sacrifice and compromise come in–helps couples go the distance.

A study of newlyweds in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports the role commitment plays. When couples take their vows and commit to the good and bad of relationships, if they mean it,  the chances of breaking up decrease. Please realize, I am not talking about staying in an abusive relationship or one that puts you at risk physically. That is the exception along with someone who has repeated infidelity. But the average couple who experiences malaise, restlessness and discontent needs to revisit what is means to commit to someone. Life is not usually greener on the other side.

And here is the most important take away. The same issues in your current relationship will follow you into your next one. So, why not work on the marriage with the current partner? To make this point, a number of years ago I saw a couple for couples’ therapy. They refused to work on issues and decided to divorce. I was very clear that both would take their unresolved issues into the next relationship. I cautioned leaving the current relationship without trying to reconcile. They didn’t listen and each went on to marry another person. A few years later, they divorced again. Then, they returned to my office and said, “We should have listened. We repeated the same problems in our second marriages. We are here to work them through now.” Eventually, they remarried.

When problems arise, stay in the moment. Communicate, compromise and look at the big picture. It’s not about selfish needs but how you work together to honor your vows. Running from a marriage doesn’t solve much. You owe it the marriage to try and work on the problems and stay committed. When you have a personal commitment to marriage, you see the marriage as the most important thing in your life. Personal commitment motivates you to think positively about the other person. This makes you work harder to preserve the relationship. And personal commitment results in thinking as a couple, not individuals. In other words, you think of yourself as a member of a team, serving each, not yourself.

Finally, a person of faith enters marriage as a covenant, not a contract. A covenant is an unbreakable promise. This creates a moral and spiritual reason to stay together and make things work. In a day and age of transactional relationships, marital commitment is more needed than ever. Marriage is good for children, for your own physical and mental health. It creates a strong tie and unity that weathers storms and encourages couples through life. Rather than take the Hollywood approach of disposable marriages, take a biblical one of commitment and covenant. Create a life together, build a team, and don’t give in to selfishness.

Source: University of California – Los Angeles (2012, February 1). Here is what real commitment to your marriage means. ScienceDaily. Retrieved February 16, 2012, from http://www.sciencedaily.com­ /releases/2012/02/120201181453.htm