Alexa and Hudson haven’t had sex in over a month. And neither is talking about it. Alexa and Hudson are like many couples who suffer in silence, never bringing up the issue of boredom or inattention to their sexual lives. When Alexa and Hudson began to talk, they knew what to do to fix things. Had they not pushed each other to talk, they might be still struggling today.

Alexa admitted that she lost interest in Hudson when he stopped having meaningful conversations and talks with her. She felt the longer they were married, their communication had dwindled to a few words and interactions such as, “How was your day?” and “Everything OK?” For her, there was a lack of engagement. Changing a boring sex life meant re-engaging in conversation, rekindling a forgotten friendship by doing things together. They were in a rut. So, Hudson planned an overnight at a nearby hotel that he found on Groupon. Simply changing the scenery and getting out of the house sparked feelings of romance.

During the night at the hotel, Alexa decided to take an even bigger risk. She would talk to Hudson about the way he touched and stimulated her physically. She knew he wanted to please her but felt they had never communicated as to how this could be done best. At times, his touch felt awkward and was not arousing her in the way he had hoped. When she gave him some direction, he was highly receptive and willing to adjust.

As authors Robert Butler and Myrna Lewis say in their book, Love and Sex After 40, “Love and sex are twin arts, requiring effort and knowledge. Only in fairy tales do people live happily ever after without working at it.” Prior to this time, Alexa and Hudson were not working at their sex life. They didn’t know each other’s likes or dislikes, nor were they making much of an effort to set the stage for sexual encounters.

“Working at it” often requires discussing behaviors that are pleasing and acceptable to each other. Ask your partner, what is uncomfortable, acceptable, etc., when it comes to sexual behavior. This is usually influenced by upbringing, values, experience, exposure to media and other sexual behavior such as pornography.  Couples may have differing ideas. Without discussion, you can’t know these details.

Certain sexual behaviors are not mentioned in the Bible, but the Song of Solomon is a beautiful biblical book that provides a picture of intimacy between a man and woman. In fact, when Alexa and Hudson read Song of Solomon out loud to each other, their inhibitions lowered, and they began to discuss their sexual relationship. The passages opened the door for frank conversations regarding needs and desires.

With just a few changes—changing routines, bringing novelty to the relationship, talking through preferences about sex and intimacy, and reading a sensual Bible passage together, Alexa and Hudson went from boring to interesting again. Perhaps it is time for your marital relationship to do the same.