A former neighbor told me she was moving because her husband was having an affair. She was completely blindsided and devastated. She repeatedly asked herself, “How could I have missed the signs and been so naïve? I knew we had marital problems, but we were coasting along, and everything seemed OK. Apparently, it wasn’t.

My friend didn’t consider herself prone to anxiety. However, since the disclosure, she has had several anxiety attacks. She could be doing laundry and suddenly feel short of breath. Or she might be reading a book and feel her heart pounding and palms sweat. Watching TV could send her into an agitated state, especially if the show contained reference to infidelity. Sleep seemed to elude her. She had no appetite and was rapidly losing weight.

She felt uneasy and deeply betrayed. She found herself obsessively thinking about the other woman having intimate conversations with her husband. When she closed her eyes, she envisioned him with her.  She couldn’t shake the mental pictures that were dancing in her head.  Intrusive thoughts flooded her mind and she felt like she was losing it.

When an affair has been found out, it is common to have these reactions. Anxiety attacks and grief-like symptoms are normal reactions to the breach of the marital covenant. The reality of an affair awakens a deep sense of loss. You may feel you are going crazy. This is normal.

Couples who deal with an extramarital affair do have higher rates of depression than couples who come to marital therapy for other reasons. Some partners may even become suicidal. And it is also not uncommon to hear homicidal rage towards the third party.

Given this emotional instability and intensity, the safety of people involved must always be considered. While not all people will act out their intense feelings of betrayal and rage, the risk is there and does happen. Turn on the nightly news and you’ll get a glimpse of what betrayed people can do!

Navigating the news of betrayal takes time. It’s important to know that you won’t feel like this forever and that what you feel is valid given the circumstances. The intensity is strongest when the affair is found out due to the shock. Then, the hurt partner often experiences a PTSD-type of reaction, e.g., intense emotions, hyper vigilance, irritability, outbursts, intrusive thoughts, isolation, etc. The goal is to manage those feelings so that you don’t become incapacitated by them.

Here are 10 helps:

• Allow yourself to feel whatever comes.
• Don’t deny the intensity of your emotions.
• Don’t make quick decisions.
• Focus on self-care –eating, sleeping, and getting exercise.
• Put words to how you feel.
• Work with a therapist who can help you express what you feel and help you manage those feelings. Consider your part in the problem, even if it is a small percentage and take responsibility. Learn from it.
• Have support and people to talk to when you feel you need this.
• Spend time in prayer expressing your hurt -God can handle it and is a safe person.
• Seek God’s truth about who you are and don’t let the affair define you.
• Forgive-it may take time but is essential to heal.

Overall, give yourself time to move through the stages of grief and loss. If a repair is possible, get a qualified therapist (LMFT) to help you do this.