Infidelity is the cause of many marriage breakups and never has a good ending. It is not harmless as movies and TV shows often portrayed. When I wrote the chapter on Sex and Affection in my book, We Need to Talk, I referenced the infidelity site AshleyMadison.com. Doing the research for the book, I couldn’t believe a website  promoted married dating. A a therapist, I know how devastating an affair can be to a couple, to families,  a church or place of employment. And those who visited the Ashley-Madison site were eventually outed. They never thought their secrets would be revealed.

If you think an affair is empowering or a secret to keep, think again. Consider these 5 points when thinking about having an affair.

1) It’s only casual sex. Sex is never casual, but instead creates a biological bond with another person. Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher’s work on the brain systems related to love helps us understand that without God and a commitment to marriage, we can easily wander into tempting waters. She reminds us that our brain’s systems of lust, romantic love and attachment, aren’t always connected to one another. She says, “It’s [sex] not casual because when you have sex with somebody, and it’s pleasurable, it drives up the dopamine system in the brain.  And hormones (oxytocin and vasopressin) are also released that are linked with feelings of attachment. So sex triggers brain systems for romantic love and attachment. And that means you can easily fall for someone and feel attached to that person.” So this notion that you engage physically and it’s over, is nonsense. An attachment is formed and the brain remembers.

2) Betrayal begins with secrets. Affairs are based on secrets. Emotional distance grows between a couple. A coalition with another person is formed. The betrayer has to justify their actions and thoughts by continuing to lie and keep things from their partner. Basically, the betrayer lives a double life. This purposeful behavior is rationalized and justified. For many, betrayal will cost more than anticipated. It may be too much to recover from and sets the stage for wondering what else has been a lie.

3) Affairs do not fix the root problem of a relationship. Betrayal can be fueled by all sorts of relationship issues—marital dissatisfaction, family problems, friendships that have become too close, physical proximity, spiritual decline, convenience, sexual stimulation, need for love and validation, and more. If the root problem of a relationship is not addressed, affairs become false solutions. They only temporarily satisfy one person and do nothing to fix the relationship problems and create more problems.

Infidelity is typically the result of something that has been simmering below the surface of a relationship. For example, discontent, loneliness, and resentment are produced by negatively comparing the person to someone perceived to be better. Then, the person begins to look outside the relationship to find someone responsive to their needs. The irony is that anyone willing to have an affair with you, has their own issues and you now inherit a new set of problems.

4) Trust is broken. Healthy relationships are built on trust. Without the foundation of trust, intimacy will not grow. No one wants to be vulnerable with someone they can’t trust. And what is hidden, will one day be revealed, bringing light to the mistrust. When that happens, those involved are devastated. It takes time and intention to build back trust even when a partner is willing.

5) The unintended consequences reach far beyond the couple— The possibilities of pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, emotional fall out, regret, guilt, shame and psychological distress are realities of allowing hormones or emotional needs to drive behavior. Families are destroyed. Communities are shaken. Yet, these consequences are rarely shown or talked about in the media.

Affairs are devastating to any relationship. The breach of trust is enormous. The covenant relationship is broken. And one has to ask, was it worth the price? Think before you jump into something you will deeply regret.