Do you expect good things to happen in your life? What about in your relationships? How often do you talk about relationship expectations?

Expectations make a difference. When they are positive and reasonable, they help a relationship grow. When expectations are unknown, problems occur. And when relationship expectations aren’t met, even more problems develop. But one of the reasons for this is because expectations are not discussed.

Some people think that if you expect very little in a relationship, you become pleasantly surprised if an expectation is met. But people who have low relationship expectations tend to be treated poorly. So lowering your expectations does not help a relationship. It can leave you feeling empty and unfilled.

What about high relationship expectations? The issue for high expectation is, are they reasonable? For example, do you expect your partner to understand you without ever having to explain yourself? This high expectation needs to be adjusted and made more realistic. You can’t be understood if your feelings and needs aren’t communicated. So while it might be good to have high expectations, they need to be identified and discussed.

Here are a few common relationship expectations for discussion. Identify your expectations and talk to each other. Then decide if those expectations are reasonable and healthy.

• How much time should your partner spend with friends versus you?
• How involved will you be with your families?
• Do you see conflict as a normal part of every relationship?
• How much do you compare your relationship to people you see on social media?
• Do we have the same interests? If not, is that an issue?
• What are your expectations around intimacy and a sexual relationship?
• How important is trust in the relationship?
• Do you see your relationship as a contract or covenant?
• Do you expect to be loved unconditionally or are their strings attached?
• Do you expect the other person to fix all your wounds from childhood?
• Do you expect a relationship free from any type of abuse?
• Do you expect a spiritual partnership as part of the relationship?

Discussing expectations like the ones above can prevent future problems. In fact, this type of discussion should happen before serious commitments are made. They may make a difference as to whether or not you pursue a relationship.

Once you discuss expectations, you will get a better idea if the person is reasonable or is up for negotiations. But if you never talk about expectations and they don’t get met, you build anger and resentment towards the other person. This is one reason couples drift apart.

Most people in a loving relationship will do their best to meet reasonable expectations. The main problem is not making those expectations known. So, verbalize your relationship expectations and see where you have agreement. On points of disagreement, talk about how your expectations formed and how your family handles differences. While these conversations can be uncomfortable, working through differences can strengthen your relationship and bring fulfillment.