Asher and Julie were arguing again. It seems their relationship had come to a boiling point. As they sat with the couple therapist trying to understand how things became so contentious, a few relationship mistakes were discussed. Here are 5 the couple realized led to problems and could be avoided.

1. Little to no alone time. Yes, this sounds counterintuitive to a couple’s relationship, but most people need a little down time to reboot and refresh. Being alone doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with your partner, rather you are a better partner when you take time to process the relationship and develop yourself as well.  A caution: Too much alone time can lead to problems, so it is a balance of attending to the relationship and allowing yourself time to regroup. For example, Asher felt that any time he wanted to do something with his guy friends like play racquetball, Julie was upset. She didn’t play, yet racquetball was a hobby and stress relief for John.
2. Lack of curiosity about your partner. Getting comfortable with your partner yet not continuing to explore how they think and feel about issues and life experiences can lead to emotional distance and loss of friendship. You may think you know your partner and yet, if curious, will discover new things about them. And the ongoing conversation keeps you intimately involved and known by the other. For example, when Julie talked about her feelings and reactions to recent events, Asher was stunned and had no idea she felt the way she did.
3. Not discussing the small stuff. You know the saying –don’t sweat the small stuff-well, in relationships, that is not good advice. The small stuff builds to the big stiff and causes problems Talk through minor issues and problems. Don’t ignore or allow things to build. Practice good conflict management so you can address issues as they occur. For example, it bothered Asher how Julie did not clean up after herself. And Julie didn’t like how much time Asher spent with his family. She felt it interfered with their relationship at times. Once they discussed these smaller things, their relationship began to improve.
4. Allowing negativity to change the view of your partner. This is dangerous. Once you focus more on the negatives than the positives, you will move from criticism to contempt. An overall negative feeling is the road to emotional distance and often divorce. Stay positive. Offer grace. Talk through problems to resolve and reconcile. Focus on the positives. Rehearse the positives and say them often to your partner. For example, when Asher did something Julie didn’t like, she ruminated on it for days but never talked to him. This allowed bad feelings to build. And Asher began to characterize his wife as someone who didn’t care about him or his family. This negativity grew to the point of resentment.
5. No shared or individual spiritual life. Couples who lose sight of their spiritual bond or who don’t share a spiritual connection, struggle more because they don’t have spiritual resources or a spiritual plan to guide their lives together. Biblical principles work in relationships. They provide a foundation on how you treat each other and address self-centeredness and a host of other temptations. Without God in the picture, couples tend to become more “me” focused and discontented. A shared spiritual faith that is practiced is essential to creating a strong relationship. Asher and Julie wandered from their faith, were not attended a church and falling into a pattern of self-centeredness. Once they renewed their faith and returned to their religious commitment, the relationship improved.