Divorce is a common experience, and even when it unfolds without drama, it can have profound effects on children that often go unrecognized. The fallout of divorce on children, particularly on adult children of divorce is important to acknowledge as there are consequences that may play a role in our current relationships

There are common traits that do emerge with adult children of divorce:

Trust Issues: It’s no surprise that trusting others can be challenging when you’ve witnessed your parents’ separation. Trust is foundational in all relationships, and once it’s broken, it can be difficult to rebuild. Divorce can jeopardize this essential element, leaving you feeling unsettled. If you can’t rely on the two most important people in your life to get along, it’s hard to extend that trust to others. You might find yourself hesitating to open up to new relationships, fearing that you could be hurt again. This uncertainty may also lead you to question the honesty and commitment in your current connections.

Fear of Abandonment: This fear can run deep for adult children of divorce. When you enter a relationship, the anxiety of potential abandonment might linger in the back of your mind. The lesson learned from your parents’ divorce—that love can falter or that conflict can lead to permanent separation—can create an underlying fear that your own relationships may follow the same path.

Ongoing grief: One research project I examined highlighted a significant insight: children of divorce often experience a sense of lifelong grief, suggesting that the impact of divorce never truly ends for them. I found that notion quite profound. One individual articulated it this way: while a parent may have the opportunity to start anew with a new spouse, for the child, their world remains forever divided. There’s no opportunity for a fresh beginning; instead, their experiences become complicated and fractured. Divorce is not just a one-time event; it creates an ever-widening gap filled with ongoing change.

Self-blame: Children often interpret a breakup in a way that leads to self-blame. How often do we hear them say, “It’s my fault,” even when it clearly isn’t?  Children struggle to understand why people who supposedly love each other can’t resolve their differences, which can lead them to believe they are the problem. They often question their own role in the divorce, which can deeply affect their self-worth. They might think, “My parents didn’t love me enough to stay together.” This self-doubt can have lasting implications on their emotional well-being.

Struggle with conflict: This is understandable, as many children witness their parents failing to manage conflict effectively. They often see heated arguments, yelling, and fighting, which sets a poor example for resolving disagreements. It’s important for them to learn how to navigate conflict in a healthy way. I often encourage adult children of divorce to seek out couples who handle conflict constructively and to look to them as role models. By observing positive interactions, they can develop better strategies for their own relationships.

Now, just because your parents’ relationship didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean yours will fail. Being aware of the potential consequences and challenges you may face is the first step toward working through them and finding healing.

I believe that the most profound healing comes from the Lord. You can grieve your losses in His presence and bring your burdens to Him. This process involves acknowledging the pain and wounds you’ve experienced, and then entrusting those feelings to God for healing.