When you love someone, you want the best for them. It’s natural to see areas in their life that could improve or things that could change for the better. But helping someone change, especially someone you care deeply about, is never easy. The truth is people need to want to change on their own. Yet, there are ways to gently guide and influence change in a supportive, non-pressuring manner.

Here are some strategies that can help:

Focus on Changing Yourself First

Change starts with you. When you make positive changes in your own life, others take notice. Imagine stopping rude behavior and a friend remarks, “Something’s different about you—you seem kinder.” By focusing on improving yourself, you set a powerful example. This is known as leading by example. If you want someone you love to grow, show them the positive change by making it in your own life first. Your efforts may inspire them to do the same.

Avoid the “Righting Reflex”

When you see someone struggling to make a change, it’s tempting to give advice, but this can backfire. This instinct is called the righting reflex—the desire to fix things for someone else. While well-intentioned, offering unsolicited advice can lead to resistance. Think about it: When someone nags you about a personal issue, does it motivate you to change, or does it make you dig your heels in further? Instead of advising, ask open-ended questions that help the person explore their own motivation for change. Ask about how their life might be better, what obstacles they face, or what they think would help them reach their goals. Let them drive the conversation rather than you dictating it.

Listen More, Talk Less

People often know what changes they need to make. Instead of providing more information or advice, be a good listener. When someone is grappling with change, they don’t necessarily need a laundry list of things to do—they need space to process their thoughts. Imagine a doctor telling you to lose weight while listing a dozen ways to do it. If you already know what needs to be done, more advice won’t help. Your role as a listener allows the person to reflect and come up with their own solutions when they’re ready to make that change.

Address the Obstacles to Change

For many, the most significant barrier to change is not the lack of desire, but the obstacles that stand in the way. To help, identify and discuss barriers and ways to overcome them. For instance, if your friend wants to cut down on drinking but regularly socializes with coworkers who drink every evening, the challenge is clear. Ask your friend to think through possible solutions: Could they decline invitations or order a non-alcoholic beverage instead? By helping them identify and work through obstacles, you empower them to overcome the challenges in their path. And when they come up with their own ideas, they are more likely to make the change.

Celebrate Past Successes

Sometimes, the best encouragement comes from looking back at previous successes. Remind the person of a change they’ve made in the past, no matter how big or small. Reflecting on how they achieved that success could reignite their confidence. By focusing on their strengths and past wins, you reinforce the belief that change is possible.

Invite God into the Change Process

Change is always possible when God is involved. He can change even the most difficult person. Look what he did with the Apostle Paul, a terrorist turned evangelist! Yes, God changes the heart. If you struggle with making a change, partner with the Holy Spirit living in you. His power is a change agent. Ask him to change your heart. Invite the Holy Spirit to work daily in your life.

In the end, real change comes when a person is ready, confident, and understands the value of the change. While you can’t shortcut that process, your support, patience, and understanding can be invaluable. Love doesn’t control or force change—it helps create the conditions for it to happen.