Trust is a foundational pillar of all healthy relationships, whether they are romantic, familial, or friendships. When trust is broken, it can feel like the relationship is irreparably damaged. However, rebuilding trust is possible.

Why Trust Matters

Trust is at the core of every meaningful relationship. It is built on honesty, integrity, and consistency. Without trust, relationships struggle to thrive. We trust others because we rely on them to be honest, loyal, and dependable. When trust is broken, whether due to betrayal, dishonesty, or broken promises, the relationship is at risk. But while it may take time, trust can be rebuilt with effort and commitment.

Dr. John Gottman’s 8 Pillars of Trust

Renowned marital researcher, Dr. John Gottman, identifies eight key areas in a relationship where trust is built and maintained. These pillars can serve as a guide to understanding how trust works and how to restore it when broken:

1. Emotional Fidelity and Commitment – Trust starts with emotional commitment, not just physical fidelity. Partners must demonstrate unwavering loyalty to one another.
2. Friendship and Long-Term Connection – A solid friendship is essential to building trust. The relationship must withstand challenges and nurture a deep connection.
3. Sacrifice and Support – Partners must show up for each other, especially during hard times. Sacrifices, big and small, demonstrate reliability and support.
4. Sexual and Romantic Trust – Physical intimacy is a reflection of emotional trust. Being emotionally available and valuing each other sexually helps strengthen the bond.
5. Emotional Availability – High-trust relationships are built on mutual emotional support. Partners must be there for each other through both the good times and bad.
6. Financial Partnership – Money is a sensitive subject, but when partners work together financially, it fosters trust through transparency and shared financial goals.
7. Promise-Keeping – Trust thrives on reliability. Keeping promises, whether small or significant, ensures that partners can depend on each other.
8. Affection and Attention – Regular affection and emotional attention help reinforce trust, ensuring partners feel valued and connected.

I’ve added a ninth pillar based on my clinical experience working with Christian couples.

9. Spiritual Bond and Trust A shared relationship with Jesus Christ creates an unbreakable bond, and when your spiritual walk weakens, so does trust. Without a spiritual foundation, trust can become fragile.

The Process of Rebuilding Trust

Rebuilding trust is a process that requires effort from both parties. The first step is admitting the betrayal or broken trust. The person who caused the harm must take full responsibility for their actions, without minimizing or justifying their behavior. This is often the hardest part but is necessary to begin healing.

The next step is showing genuine remorse. Without true remorse, doubt lingers, and the betrayed person may struggle to trust again. The betrayer must not only apologize, but also demonstrate a commitment to changing their behavior.

Forgiveness plays a critical role in the healing process. It doesn’t mean condoning the hurtful actions, but it involves choosing to release bitterness and resentment. Both parties must be patient, as forgiveness is a process that takes time. However, forgiveness is essential for any relationship to move forward.

For the person who was betrayed, they shouldn’t use the breach of trust as a weapon. Jesus forgave us fully, and we are called to forgive others in the same way. Once someone repents, we’re supposed to forgive and not hold it over their head.

In order to forgive, some people want to know every detail of the broken trust, while others prefer not to have vivid mental images. The person who was betrayed should feel free to ask questions, but they must also understand that too much detail can be harmful. It’s important to strike a balance. This can create a lot of necessary but uncomfortable tension. The betrayer should not complain about answering difficult questions. This process allows the person who was hurt to take back some control and have enough understanding to begin the path to forgiveness.

Moving Toward Reconciliation

Once the broken trust is admitted, remorse is shown and forgiveness and reassurances are given, the focus should shift to reconciliation if that is possible. This involves both partners working together to restore the relationship. Open communication, transparency, and ongoing reassurance are key.

The person who betrayed the trust usually wants to move on quickly, but the person who was hurt needs ongoing reassurance. It’s not about punishing the betrayer, but about showing real, consistent effort over time.

Additionally, there should be no secrets, as trust cannot flourish in an environment of secrecy. If you’re facing trust issues, remember that trust is not only about what others do, but also about how you choose to move forward, with grace and understanding.

Lastly, if rebuilding trust proves challenging, seeking counseling or professional guidance may be helpful. A counselor can assist both parties in navigating the complex emotions and behaviors involved in restoring trust.