It happens more than we want to admit. We overreact. And we don’t know why. Your child doesn’t follow a direction and you find yourself yelling. Or your spouse makes a negative remark and you bite her head off. Why are you so reactive?  It could be due to what is called the pile on effect.

Let’s use this example: You get out of bed and stub your toe. Ouch! You go to the kitchen and your child playfully runs over your foot. At work, your coworker accidentally steps on your foot. At lunch, the server drops a plate on your foot. Then at home, your spouse brings you a drink and brushes your foot. That’s it! You scream at him in pain. Shocked, he says, “What is the matter with you? I didn’t hit your foot on purpose. Have you lost it?”

What your spouse doesn’t know is that your foot has been hit by various people all day. And no one did it intentionally. But he is the last one of this pile on effect and gets the full blown overreact. Unfortunately, your spouse only saw this moment in time, not the events of the entire day. No wonder he thinks you snapped!

Now, substitute your toe for careless words and/or actions of others. Think of this in terms of the explosive climate we now live in with words. One wrong unintended word suddenly leads to blow ups and anger that feels too intense for the moment. Most likely, it is a reaction to the pile on of words or actions over time.

Or think of all the bad news you hear in a day. COVID reports, schools trying to open,  job loss, sick relatives, etc.  The stress is piling up. What do you do to stop this overreaction?

Breathe! Calm your physical body. Then, be aware of the build up. Don’t react. Rather, take time to respond. What are your feeling? Why are you so upset? Does it relate to emotional pain that has been piling up? If so, it’s time to address issues when they happen. In the process, consider a person’s intentions and give them the benefit of the doubt. But then, tell them that their good intention didn’t come across as good. Maybe they could choose different words or actions. Ask the person to listen how their words or actions impact you. Have the courage to tell the person. But be kind and gracious.

Over time, careless words and actions build up. They cause an overreaction because underlying problems are ignored or avoided. Avoid the pile up by being respectful, tolerating diversity of opinion and telling another person if they are being offensive. Remember good intentions may still be hurtful. So address issues front and center when they occur. And while that might not be easy, it is the best prevention.