What type of abuse is hard to live with? You might think, well, this is a really dumb question. All types of abuse are hard to live with. And you would be right. But one type of abuse is especially difficult because it is not so obvious. It’s subtle and often difficult to detect. In fact, some people may not recognize it as abuse at all. That’s because it takes a more passive approach.

A passive abuser is a manipulator, someone who pressures you to do things you don’t want to do. The abuser can be a bully who tries to coerce you to do things they want done. It’s their way or the highway. And when you don’t go along with their way, it is not pleasant in your relationship. The goal of the manipulation is to get you to submit to them. How do they do it? Most often with shame and a sharp tongue spoken from a heart of narcissism.

These type of abusers tell you to keep family secrets, to not discuss what happens behind closed doors. The objective is to remain in control while controlling you. So any effort to question or to ask others for input is put down and labeled disloyalty. After awhile, the abused begins to believe that it is unsafe to discuss the abuse with others. They start to question their own thoughts and think, maybe I am the problem. Eventually, the abused stops trusting their gut  and succumbs to these mind games. They make excuses for the way they are being treated.

When you get one of these passive abusers in therapy, they deny their manipulative tactics. They can be charming and good with words. But the abused tells you in private that the relationship is difficult and unhealthy. Any attempts to bring up relationship problems brings out anger and insults. Passive abusers blame you for their problems and don’t acknowledge their part of problems. This makes fixing a relationship problematic as people need to see their role in problems in order to make change.

In addition, passive abusers make relationships transactional. If you do this, then I will do this…If you don’t, there will be a price to pay. And when the abuser actually does something nice for the abused, the abuser won’t let you forget it. You are now in their debt forever.

The reason this type of abuse is so difficult to deal with is the constant wearing down of your self-worth. The more the abuser manipulates, the more the abused loses self-esteem and a sense of who they are because that sense of self is under constant attack. Yet the abuser will never acknowledge the abuse. He will simply continue to exert his manipulation over you, making you question and doubt your own feelings and gut. And if he or she talks to your family or friends, he blames; it is you who has the problem and needs help.

You do need help when you are in a relationships with a passive abuser. Find a therapist who can help you respond to the manipulation and not allow the pattern to continue. In some cases, you may need to leave the relationship or separate for awhile. And if you are a person of faith, the Bible can help you understand what real love and affection looks like. Read 1 Corinthians 13 to understand how love is supposed to work.

Passive abuse is hard to live with because it often goes unrecognized. It is harder to detect than physical or sexual abuse. But hopefully, you will see the signs and work to re-establish yourself. Get the help you need.