So embarrassing!

You are at a party, turn around and your spouse has a lamp shade on his head and is doing an impression.

Or maybe, you are visiting friends and he tells an off color joke.

How about the time she revealed something intimate about your sex life to your boss?

You notice your wife walking around the gathering with a trail of toilet paper on her shoe.

Or your boyfriend congratulates your friend on her pregnancy. Only, she isn’t pregnant!

Your face turns red. This is awkward!

Embarrassing acts can lead to relationship conflict. Then, you may try to fix the problem or feel the need to repair his or her image. However,  it’s not your job.

Why is that? Why do you feel responsible?

Social psychologist, Mark Leary, at Duke University, says that when our spouse embarrasses us, it feels like a reflection of who we are–after all, we picked this person! And we wonder, how far will he or she go? Their behavior feels out of control!

So when embarrassed by a partner, how should you respond?

1) Try telling yourself that the behavior may not be that bad and that everyone does something embarrassing once in awhile. This is easier to do when the embarrassment is mild and unintentional. Take the trail of toilet paper on the shoe-embarrassing but not unintentional.

2) If the embarrassment happens once in awhile, let it go and ask yourself if this is part of the person’s personality. Don’t call the person out in the moment and chide them.  Instead, talk about the impact of the behavior on you and those around you.

3) If this is a pattern, wait for a neutral time and bring up the issue. Focus on how other people reacted (not your reaction) and ask if this was the desired response. If the person isn’t sure, try to get at the person’s motivation. What triggers this type of behavior –is it social anxiety, a need for attention, etc. Talk about whether or not the embarrassing behavior is effective as to how the person wants to be perceived.

4) If the problem continues despite your discussions, you may need couple’s therapy to get at the root of why this continues in the face of social consequences and the negative impact it has on your relationship. Being sensitive to your partner’s feelings is important. If your partner is telling you that a certain behavior is embarrassing, that is reason to stop.

5) Finally, think twice before you reveal private things about each other to others. Have a conversation about what is appropriate and what is not in terms of violating privacy boundaries. Keep your relationship safe in order to keep the bond strong. Embarrassing moments may not always be avoidable, but a habit of creating them needs dialogue.