Conflict is a normal part of every relationship. When it isn’t managed well, it can rip a relationship apart. Katie and Tim knew this, and were at a breaking point if things didn’t change.

Every day there was a blow up over something. And during those blow ups, things escalated. Their emotions ran so high, they couldn’t think clearly. What they described was trouble regulating their emotions during conflict situations.

To help them, we discussed the physiological arousal they experienced during conflict. Men and women respond differently. Men tend to remain vigilant before and during conflict. They rehearse distress-maintaining thoughts. Women tend to use self-soothing and rehearse relationship-enhancing thoughts. This doesn’t mean women are better than men, but that women usually calm down sooner than men during a disagreement. Consequently, women may need to wait to pursue an issue until men are less physically aroused. Regardless of gender, problems are best solved when both partners calm down. That is the secret–calming down!

Our goal was specific. It was to regulate emotions during conflict. During an argument, I taught them to check their heart rate. A heart rate above 95 beats per minute meant they were getting too aroused and needed a break. When that happened,  I asked Katie and Tim to take a grown-up time-out. According to marital researcher and therapist Dr. John Gottman, learning to lower your emotional temperature during conflict is one of the best predictors of marital outcome.

Once the couple tuned in to their physical reactions and checked their heart rate, they were asked to practice self-soothing. This included breathing exercises, muscle relaxation, or focus on a calming  image such as a beach or mountain top. Prayer was also used to refocus and calm down.

When a number of soothing exercises were learned and practiced, the couple was to re-engage in the conflict, again checking their heart rate. This easy skill proved helpful. It taught them how to regulate their emotions which allowed them to talk through their differences.

Staying emotionally calm during conflict is key. Because most conflict is not solvable, the  goal is to manage it in a way that doesn’t escalate. And that means take a deep breath and relax. Then, you can work it out!