Years ago, I was living my life as a rising college student on her way to the University of Michigan. Out of the clear blue, a life changing event happened. My oldest brother was killed in a plane crash due to a terrorist bomb. The world stopped. My family was thrown into shock and grief. I remember how during that time of intense sadness, our dog stayed by our side.  She seemed to sense what we were feeling. Her quiet presence in the room was comforting. And people did their best to comfort us. Some, better than others.

When a friend experiences a sudden loss, do you know what to do? What to say?

Do you worry that you might say or do something to make things worse?

The truth is, we may not have experience dealing with sudden loss. So helping a  friend or loved may feel awkward. Our heart may be in the right place and we want to provide comfort and be helpful, but often, we feel inadequate to act.

Given what we have been through in the past few years, and the number of people we have lost, here are 5 things to avoid and suggestions of what to do instead.

1. Don’t skirt around the issue. Be direct about what has happened. Use the person’s name as well. “Linda, I am so sorry you lost your brother, Gary, on that plane crash.” Avoiding the specifics or details doesn’t help with grief because this was a person with a name and life. The person they love is gone, so avoid being impersonal.
2. Don’t assume you know how the person feels. People feel loss and grief in many different ways due to their background and prior experiences. If you have never been through a similar situation, you really don’t know how the person feels. When I was dealing with infertility and lost a baby, so many women who were giving birth told me they knew how I felt. Not possible. Infertility puts a new spin on pregnancy and birth. The comfort from other women in my same circumstance felt more genuine. Even if your experience is similar, remember, loss is unique to that person. For example, the loss of my dad was very sad, but not filled with guilt or remorse. This was not true for another friend. So it is best to just say you are sorry for their loss. You can acknowledge how difficult loss is, especially when unexpected.
3. Don’t talk. Listen! When we feel anxious and don’t know what to say, we tend to babble. It’s the anxiety of the moment. Instead, let the person say whatever he or she needs to say. This is when listening skills are very important. Let them know you are here for them. Put you arm around them and tell them you care. But let them talk. Don’t force them to talk. Sometimes your presence is enough.
4. Don’t ask what they need. You know how this goes, “If there is anything you need, do not hesitate to ask.” When sudden loss hits, people are in shock and can’t tell you what they need. So saying, “let me know if you need anything” doesn’t go too far. It sounds trite and inauthentic. They are not concentrating on their needs, rather the shock. Instead, just do something tangible like sending food, flowers, a cleaning service or a small gift.  Do a kind deed and focus on meeting the ordinary needs like food, help with a chore, cleaning or a gift. When grief hits you, the last thing you think about is cooking and cleaning.
5. Don’t lose contact. When loss hits, people are very attentive for a short window. Then, everyone else goes back to their life that doesn’t include the massive change of a loss. But for the person in grief, their world has changed. Forever. Thus, it is the people who keep checking-in that mean the most. Stay in touch and follow up on the person regularly to see how they are doing. Invite them to join you for dinner or go to a movie when they are ready. Basically, follow them through the grief process and help them adjust to a new normal.