When you go through a difficult time, have you ever noticed what people say? Their words can be encouraging and uplifting or frustrating, even offensive. This happens in churches more than I care to admit. A well-meaning person tries to encourage you and uses cliches like, “I believe everything happens for a reason?” Or “Don’t worry. Gods got this?” Or maybe you have said, “I will pray for you,” but then you don’t?

Words matter. According to Scripture, they have the power of life and death. So, how we talk to each other is important and we need to better understand the impact of our words. One way to do this is to think about the use of cliches, especially when someone is going through a tough time. Our intentions may be good, but are clichés meaningful or helpful? Does a cliché feel good to the person receiving it? Are there better things to say or do when people are in crises or need of encouragement?

At times, we use clichés because we don’t know what else to say. We want to offer comfort or help but are unsure how to do that or what to say. So, we throw out a cliché. The problem is that a cliché can be a turn off to someone who is hurting, especially if it is based on poor theology or meaningless words. For example, the cliché, “God helps those who help themselves,” is nowhere in the Bible. If God only helps the self-helpers, we are all in trouble!

When I was going through infertility, people in my church would say things like, “God has a plan for your life, and it may not include children.” Honestly, that kind of “help” just upset me more and didn’t help with the intense emotions and grief I felt. Yes, I knew God had a plan for my life…but during that season of dealing with the inability to conceive, I didn’t want to hear that cliché. And that sentiment was not what I was hearing in my own spirit. I was uncertain about God’s plan but eventually I did have children.

So, what can you say when you don’t know what to say? Here are a few suggestions:

• Consider Scripture encouragements. The Bible is encouraging and offers hope. There is power in the Word of God. Scripture is comforting and well-received as it is God’s truth and promises to us. But be careful not to quote Scripture out of context.
• Listen more. Talk less. Mourn with your friend or loved one. Don’t feel you have to provide answers or fix things. Just be with them. Grieve with them. Love them and maybe just say, “I am so sorry.”
• Sometimes the best thing to say is, “I have no words.” Or “I really don’t know what to say, but I can pray –then make sure you do.” Too often people say they are praying for you and then don’t. Be able to tolerate silence and sit with someone who grieves.
• Avoid the clichés and offer your presence. Pray with or for the person. Rarely, do people refuse prayer!

Most of all, think about your words. If you don’t know what to say, be silent but present.