You bit your tongue. You suffered Aunt Sue’s lousy cooking. It was really rough when Bob stuffed his face with piles of seconds, thirds, and fourths — how is it possible for a human being to consume so much without imploding? Your spouse was in a really grouchy, confrontational mood. You were so sweet to come, and worked so hard, and so-and-so didn’t even show up! Not only did Freida not lift a finger to help, she was ordering everyone around!

All those family, holiday insults are very hard to deal with, to say the least. They aren’t, however, something to take action on. They are certainly not worth harming, or ruining relationships, either.

It’s another day today. All that was yesterday. In order to maintain, or restore the peace, here are some tips I’d like to give you as my gift of peace and love:

— Most holiday conflicts are not about you.
— Many times, upsets and injustices are about the stress of the day. They’re not something to take personally.
— Although you may feel trigged in the moment, most things are not worth confronting. You’re probably not going to make any changes in the “enemy” by criticizing them. You’re only going to get defense, and even denial if you’re critical or confrontational.
— If there is something really bothering you, it’s best to ask the offender to discuss it in private later. Not in the moment, when emotions are raw, and tensions are high.
— Remember that everyone needs to feel important, and powerful. We need to let people feel strong, valued and cared about, even if you disagree with their position, or behavior.
— As we are in interpersonal relationships, we all need to give a little. Make compromises. Offer apologies if possible. They go a long way.
— Even though you may indeed feel innocent, and are defending yourself — remember that YOU are strong, powerful, and able to be mature and well-behaved. Don’t do something that you’ll later really regret.
–Consider that “offenders” may have psychic or emotional scars, or may be under a lot of pressure, or facing something really difficult or even ill. Be compassionate. You’ll be glad when others are compassionate and empathic of you.
–Give yourself a holiday, and others, too. Don’t bring up age-old, global, or intractable problems now. They won’t be solved under the pressure of a lot of relatives and holiday doings.
— As Quakers say, “see that of God” in each other. Remember we are all creations of our Father, and that God loves us a lot.
–As Jesus Christ teaches, “Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.”

There are many more tips and techniques that we can offer each other. I’ll be writing about more of them in the coming holiday weeks. I’d LOVE to hear yours, too. Please POST a comment below with your holiday emotional, spiritual techniques and tips.

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