Some friends in a recent Christmas letter joked about their search for just the right present for their newborn baby.  After scouring Amazon.com for gift ideas, they came up with a number of questionable gift ideas for young children, the likes of which appear below.  If you’re still searching for just the right gift, you might find it here, thanks to consumer-parent researchers Seth and Molly Phelps:

1.)    Playmobil – Security Checkpoint.  Life sure has changed since I was a kid.  I get construction, policeman, fireman, etc…  Do kids really want to play, let’s queue up for the TSA screening?  Or are you really playing the heroic TSA agent patting down the disgruntled masses?  How sad is that?  I note that the passenger glows in the dark when the lights are turned off as if she is going through an x-ray like in the movie Total Recall and it shows that she has a gun on her.  At least it wasn’t the bad “guy” this time.  A liberated toy.  Anyway, I prefer the Playmobil – Secret CIA Rendition/Interrogation Center with waterboarding accessories.  At least you get to take your frustrations out on the true bad guys, or those unlucky enough to be caught in the dragnet, as opposed to hapless airline travelers.

2.)    Playmobil – Simulated Coal.  For scrooges out there you can actually buy a fake pile of coal safe for little kids to chew.  By itself this would be a statement on a child’s behavior.  Tied with the right Playmobil set it becomes a fun accessory!  Awesome and potential double meaning.  I got you coal for Christmas!  That’s great, it’s exactly what I wanted!  Yeah, I’m sure that’s why I bought it….because you wanted it.

3.)    Baby Toupees.  Just in case your baby’s missing hairline scares you make sure you check outwww.babytoupee.com and pick up a few choice looks.  I’m thinking Luke as a Rastafarian.

4.)    Food Chain Friends.  Now I’m a big fan of Darwinian survival of the fittest but I draw the line at a series of plush toys for your kids that simulate it.  Let’s let kids have a childhood free from the dog eat dog world that adults know.  Of course as a child I did read the book – There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly.  In the end after eating ever larger animals she ultimately dies.  I turned out alright I guess so maybe these plush animals are fine.

5.)    My Cleaning Trolly – I have a few more hopes and dreams for Luke than janitor so this one’s out.  Besides, the tools should be real so that he actually keeps the house clean if you are going to go this far.  While you’re at it why not a Onesie made out of ShamWows.  Just scoot him around on the floor and it would also absorb any liquids he generates!  Pushin’ stick sold separately.  Perhaps it’s good preparation for our future Chinese overlords as they will likely need cheap cleaning services after they own most of the USA.

6.)    Gelli Baff – Imagine liquid, inedible jello that you play in.  The box depicts the kids not only playing with it but actually submerged in it.  As if play dough isn’t bad enough to get off carpet and floors.  Besides do we want to encourage wrestling in jello? Furthermore didn’t we just do that as kids in mud after a rain?

7.)    Uranium Ore – Don’t foreign governments have difficulty obtaining uranium ore?  Apparently you can simply buy radioactive ore right on amazon.com for “science” experiments and “testing” your Geiger counter.  Right.

8.)    Porky Pooper Jelly Bean Dispenser – Conceptually, I have no problem with animal shaped candy and cookie jars.  But does it have to dispense brown jelly beans out the backside?