I used to be like that.

When the 90s became the naughties ten years ago, I was quite the planner and driver toward goals and objectives that made sense to me: better job, bigger house, more disposable income, well-padded retirement and college accounts. I was convinced that I was the master of my own destiny. That if I could harness and direct the right combination of smarts, determination, hard work and insight, I could do anything.

And it worked pretty well. I got everything I ever wanted.

But something changed in me over the course of this decade that not only shifted my priorities, but changed the way I approach times of obvious reflection and forward-looking like New Year’s Day. As a result, rather than focusing on what I am going to make happen in 2010, I find myself especially conscious of how little control I have over what will come my way in the coming months that will define 2010 and years that will define this next decade of my life. It doesn’t mean I won’t work hard – but that I will come to that work with the humbling but liberating understanding that I am not in control and that what I want may be a limited view of what my life could actually be.

Here’s what I mean…

On this day in 2000 I was the director of public relations for a company that no longer exists and September 11 was just a date on the calendar. Nobody in my immediate family had ever experienced a serious illness and I had never even thought about being a college professor or a writer. I barely believed in a “power-greater-than-myself” and I thought Jesus was a ruse for angry power-mongers bent on controlling the lives of unfortunate and ignorant believers. Martin had never acted, never painted and barely played music because he was way too busy growing his business.   

What a difference a decade makes…

So I sit on the cusp of 2010 with the kind of love for my family that comes from enduring loss and hardship together, a career in writing and teaching that inspires and challenges me, a cherished community of friends (close and online) that would have been unimaginable 10 years ago and a sense that my best attempts to set a target for what’s ahead would fall short of the unimaginable adventures that await me.

So come 2010, come. Bring blessings, challenges and everything in between and the strength of character to face them with grace, honesty, wisdom and gratitude. Surprise me 2010. Guide me toward a deeper love for God, my family, my friends and my enemies. Change me 2010. Help me to become more of the woman I am meant to be and open doors for me to encourage others to do the same…