Got home from the hospital last night following an unexpected three day stay that included lots of tests and a few odd physical episodes of unknown origin that quacked like seizures but didn’t quite walk like them. I will spare you the details of prodding, poking and monitoring. Suffice it to say that I feel a little beat up, have as many questions as answers and will know more as results come in and further tests are conducted in the coming weeks.
But that’s not what this post is about…
This post is about a sneaky bit of arrogance that masks itself as humility and results in an arms-length distance between me and the folks I interact with on this blog and in my day to day life.
I should have seen it sooner. The hints were there in my writing–or should I say my lack of writing–in the weeks since this started on the day after Thanksgiving. “I’m just procrastinating,” I’d tell myself, as I wrote a sentence or two and saved them, half convincing myself I would actually return to them later. “I’m blocked,” I justified as I unintentionally, one day at a time, just stopped writing.
It wasn’t until it became obvious that this little health challenge appears to be lingering that I began to see that I was neither blocked nor procrastinating. I just didn’t want to admit to anyone out there that there was something wrong with me…
My first thought? The illusion of perfection thing I thought I’d kicked to the curb years ago was rearing its ugly head. But a little reflection (and the fact that I have a book hitting shelves in May that makes excruciatingly clear just how flawed I am) told me that my old bravado was not the problem. Instead, something new occurred to me. By admitting that my health is in question, I open myself up to the well wishes, caring and encouragement of others.
And for some reason, that makes me incredibly uncomfortable…
Too tired to unpack this one at the moment, but thought I’d start by getting it out there. For now I’m just wondering: anyone else have trouble when it comes to accepting love, help and support from others?
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