The first time I ever heard the Bible’s story of Unauthorized Ark Handling was in my temple prep class some years ago. One of the teachers told this story from Chronicles 13 — twice, in fact — to express how seriously he regarded his role as a temple worker and how fiercely he prayed that he would never be the one “letting the Lord down” by doing something unauthorized. Just what that might be, this sweet and kind man did not elaborate. But he was deadly sincere.

When I read the story for myself I was puzzled. In this tale, Uzzah (one of the Israelite cart-drivers who was helping to bring the ark to David’s swanky new capital of Jerusalem) reaches his hand out to steady the ark after the oxen stumble. It’s that natural reaction we all have when we see that’s something about to fall. We instinctively reach out to stop the chaos, catch the toddler, right the mess. Only this time God got wicked angry. God struck Uzzah down on the spot for touching the ark, the holiest relic of Israel. (You can see a funny rendition of the ark incident here in Legos through The Brick Testament, which I love love love.)

My temple class teacher’s response to this story was, “May I never be like that person.” My own response is, “May I never be like that God.”

What kind of God is this, anyway? Wait, don’t answer that. Yes, it’s clear that God cares about ritual purity. I get it. But what about a “three strikes, you’re out” system? What about caring for people first, and purity second? What about — dare I say it — all that mercy that God keeps talking about in the OT but not demonstrating?

When I edit novels the #1 criticism I have for rookie authors is “show, don’t tell.” It’s a hackneyed editorial saying that basically means, “Don’t just tell me that your character is strong or compassionate. Show it through her actions.” The Old Testament has told us repeatedly that God is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. Somehow, though, I’m not feelin’ the love. 

#Twible 1 Chron 8: Smallest tribe of Benjamin gets longest shout-out; how is that fair? Mom, I’m bigger than he is! Why’s he your fave?

Sun 9/26
#Twible 1 Chron 9: Here endeth the begats. Finally! Now we turn to Saul, who’s not a real king here. More of a warm-up act for Dave.

Mon 9/27
#Twible 1 Chron 10: Prosaic view: Saul offs himself–only suicide in OT. Chronicler’s view: he dies of unfaithfulness, like spiritual H1N1.

Tues 9/28
#Twible 1 Chron 11: In this utopian history, Jerusalem falls w/o a struggle, all 12 tribes unite behind Kg Dave, & #Snooki was never born.

Wed 9/29
#Twible 1 Chron 12: 339,600 troops gather w/one heart to crown Dave king. Then . . . Par-Tay! All Israel on 3-day bender. Details censored.

Thurs 9/30
#Twible 1 Chron 13: It’s all fun & games until Uzzah touches the ark. (Bad idea. Die!) Dave checks ark into hotel as he ponders next move.

Fri 10/1
#Twible 1 Chron 14: We interrupt this story of Dave’s failure to bring ark to Jerusalem w/3 success stories. B/c after all, Dave is awesome.

Tune in to Flunking Sainthood every Friday for weekly Twible commentary.