In seminary I took a course on the Psalms. As I go through the Psalter now in the Twible, I am rediscovering all the marginal notes I made in my Bible of things I apparently knew back in those days but have since forgotten. It’s always depressing when that happens and you realize that once upon a time, you were well educated.

However, I didn’t forget everything. One of the key things I do remember is how many different types of Psalms there are in the Bible. Five main kinds are below, along with some Twible examples by way of illustration.

1) Psalms of praise. This is probably the kind many of us are most familiar with because we hear these so often in church, in Handel’s Messiah, etc. It’s good to remember that the psalms were sung long before they were written down, so

#Twible Ps 8: Yo, G! The moon & stars you made are, like, WOW. People must be disappointing by comparison. How come you never give up on us?

#Twible Ps 18: Long & trippy psalm about G’s badass warrior days. Smoke even came from his nostrils. Do they make holy Kleenex for that?

2) Psalms of lament, or the “it sucks to be me” psalms. This is the best kind of Psalm to pray when you are sick, you are worried, your enemies are pressing in on you, or your girlfriend stole your truck along with your Conway Twitty CDs. (Note that within the general rubric of lament are individual woe-is-me laments and collective woe-is-Israel laments.)

Most of these psalms begin with a generous amount of kvetching and laying out the hopeless situation before God, then close with an affirmation that God will surely save your truck or your life or your health. There’s a formula here.

#Twible Ps 6: G, I cry in my sleep every night. Since a sopping, snotty pillow is unhygienic, can you please start answering my text msgs?

#Twible Ps 13: Where r u, G? I’ve been looking all over. R u dissing me? My life sucks. I need to vent, & u r AWOL. Some friend. How long?

3) Psalms of imprecation. These are the super fun ones, the ones you almost never hear in church because “nice” Christians aren’t supposed to pray that their enemies’ children would be dashed against the rocks.

#Twible Ps 5: Please, G, rain down karmic retribution upon my enemies. Just this once, & I’ll never ask for anything again. Not even a pony.

#Twible Ps 3: G will smite our enemies & break the teeth of the wicked. This psalm explains a lot about dentistry in the biblical world.

4) Psalms for special occasions. Since the Psalms started out as songs, often sung in worship, it stands to reason that some of them are for special occasions, much like we have Christmas and Easter music today. Some of the psalms are for pilgrims walking to the temple in Jerusalem or petitioning for entrance to the temple (e.g., Psalm 24’s rocking call and response: Q: “Who shall go up to the hill of the Lord? Who shall stand in his holy place?” A: “The ones who have clean hands and pure hearts, who have not lifted up their hands unto vanity.”) There’s even a psalm specifically for a royal wedding (are you listening, Kate and William?).

#Twible Ps 24: “Lift up your heads, O gates! Be lifted up, O ancient doors!” Yes, it’s an odd metaphor. It’s poetry. Work with me, people.

#Twible Ps 45: Ode for a royal wedding! The only love song in the Psalter. And Kate, you have to promise to obey your master William. Right.

5) Royal Psalms. We don’t hear much about royal psalms in the U.S., being reasonably anti-monarchical until a royal wedding comes along (see fanaticism referenced above), but royal psalms are an important part of the Bible. What’s especially interesting is that many of them were not written during the time when there was an actual united monarchy in Israel. Most came later, either during the time of the divided kingdom when there were different kings in the north and south, or even later than that, after Israel had been laid waste by Babylon and the whole idea of a divinely chosen king of Israel had become a bit of a cruel joke. Apparently the temptation to look back to the halcyon days of history never really leaves us.

#Twible Ps 2: G says David’s his son & the chosen king. Those other kings, G just laughs at. Before he roasts them. G can be testy that way.

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