I can almost hear the voiceover… “Are pale, stumpy, thin lashes undermining your confidence and destroying your life? Ask your doctor about Latisse to see if you have Low-Bat Syndrome (LBS). And blink your way back to life.”

From an actual press release about the prescription solution in December: “‘LATISSEâ„¢ fulfills a significant and previously unmet need in the medical aesthetic marketplace with a product approved by the FDA that increases the growth of eyelashes, making them longer, thicker and darker,’ said Scott Whitcup, M.D., Allergan’s Executive Vice President of Research and Development.” Apparently there is a condition called “eyelash hypotrichosis”–not having “adequate” eyelashes. 

I’m sure this is a real thing–I know when I had chemo and my eyelashes jumped ship it was a weird, unfun thing that really did undermine my confidence. But, um, really? This is not just being marketed to those with a rare medical syndrome, but rather as an alternative to mascara (an admittedly imperfect product).

So now you can trade your racoon eyes for, wait for it, side effects or “safety information” (bolding mine): “LATISSEâ„¢ use may cause darkening of the eyelid skin which may be reversible. Although not reported in clinical studies, LATISSEâ„¢ use may also cause increased brown pigmentation of the colored part of the eye which is likely to be permanent. It is possible for hair growth to occur in other areas of your skin that LATISSEâ„¢ frequently touches… It is also possible for a difference in eyelash length, thickness, fullness, pigmentation, number of eyelash hairs, and/or direction of eyelash growth to occur between eyes. These differences, should they occur, will usually go away if you stop using LATISSEâ„¢.” Plus it can cause redness and itching.

Perhaps even more distressing is that Latisse’s spokeswoman is Brooke Shields. You can see her Latisse “before and after” shots here. The commercial is similar to any old Covergirl ad. So now we’re adding more chemically mysterious junk to our bodies in the name of beauty? One that can also cause “ocular pressure”? And the lovely Brooke is so hard-up to promote this? C’mon, gal. We love you. Love us back and walk away from the campaign.

Check out the ad here: