There are two skills that every child MUST develop and be trained in. They must learn how to APPEAL and SURRENDER well.  Last week, we talked about how to “yield” to authority, and how to teach our kids to respect authority. But our kids also need to be taught and modeled how to APPEAL authority. What is the proper way to disagree? Let’s face it, they come with a built-in GPS on how to APPEAL in inappropriate ways.

• Blaming
• Yelling
• Screaming
• Hitting
• Demanding
• Rebelling
• Self-Pity
• Victim

In his book BOUNDARIES FOR KIDS, Dr. Townsend talks about kids who do not learn to obey boundaries or properly talk through disagreements and how it hurts them later in life (In a marriage, in a job, with a boss, etc.).  He tells a story of Wayne, a young boy known by his teachers as “a problem child.” Townsend knew Wayne and he always seemed out of control. He was disruptive, pushy, intrusive, and sassy with teachers.  One day, Townsend was visiting with his family on a Saturday.  Wayne’s parents were nice, but they provided little structure for their son. For example, Wayne was bouncing basketballs in the living room for a long time before anyone came along and said anything. Mom said, “Wayne dear, I hate to interrupt the fun, but would it be too much trouble to ask you to play somewhere else?”  He smarted off to her, and continued.  Dad entered the room, “Hey,” he yelled, “How many times do I have to tell you to knock it off!!!”  So Wayne went up to his bedroom and kept dribbling the ball.   Wayne was learning that if people in authority give you a rule, you outwardly rebel, be a smart Alec, procrastinate, push their buttons, wait for dad to yell, and then keep doing what you want.

Our children need to learn, be taught, how to OBEY first, and ask questions later. Let’s look at three things today.  1) What Happens When We Obey First?  2) What Happens When We Don’t Obey First?  3) What Happens When We Ask Questions Later?

1) What Happens When We OBEY FIRST?  Earn the Right to Push Back

Children come hard-wired to push back first. To say, “No…” You’re not my boss, I don’t have to, I don’t want to, etc. We must train our children to “OBEY first.”  We must show them that obeying first earns them the right to “push back” and appeal later.  When they don’t obey first, we talk about it. We give consequences to it. We place boundaries in their life to reinforce it. We teach them that they must first EARN the right to push back by being characterized by OBEYING FIRST.

ANDY STANLEY, a leader of one of the most influential nonprofit organizations in Atlanta, wrote a book called THE NEXT GENERATION LEADER. He notes that one of the greatest challenges of young leaders under 40 is thinking they know better than their bosses.  The instinct is to push back on a new objective. To share your idea first or wear out your boss by making him/her justify their decision. One of the skills Andy says is crucial for the Next Generation Leader is COACHING and Character.  A person who learns to trust those in authority shows character and earns him/herself the right to push back.  I had an employee that wore me out many years ago.  I’d share an initiative or idea I wanted them to implement and they’d spend 30 minutes questioning, second guessing, critiquing my “suggestion.”  I was worn out trying to “talk them into doing their job.”  I started unconsciously delegating less to them, deciding it was easier to do it myself, or work around the person.  I eventually eliminated the position.  Why?  It’s not that I don’t want other perspectives…it’s not that I’m some dictatorial boss…it’s that this person questioned first, and then finally, reluctantly “obeyed” and did what I asked.  This pattern as an employee had been fine tuned since he was young. Children who do this turn into adults that do this.

If we teach our children to Obey First: Earning the Right to Push Back, we are showing them that boundaries and structure, and respecting authority is how life works. We all answer to someone: Boss, Parents, Stockholders, Clients, Boss, Suppliers, etc.  That’s how life works.   Consistent boundaries help children learn that someone (boss, mom/dad) know more, and have more life experience than they do.

Barbi and her husband were working on financial responsibility with sons Rickey, 7, Benny, 5.  Part of their allowance each week goes to tithing, saving, and some for spending.  Parents told them to “save up” and not spend it all at once, etc.  It went in one ear and out the other. Instead of Obeying mom and dad and hearing their advice, the boys spent all their money on a toy. A couple of days later, a comic book they wanted was on sale and they went to their spending pouches to find…no money.  They went to mom and dad with puppy dog eyes, then tears, and then demands about this comic book.  These parents were not going to reward a “disobey first” pattern. They said, “No loans, no gifts. Earn it at the regular weekly rate.”  “Can we do some chores?”  They said, “No.” They cried. Parents emphasized with the loss of the on sale deal, but the consequences were felt.  And their son learned the lesson. Benny said, “I’m gonna wait a long, long, long time next time to spend my money.”  Benny was learning to Yield and Obey mom and dad and their wisdom.

As parents, we need to have clear boundaries and be consistent. When a child gets mad at the boundary, we need to instruct them how to be characterized by “OBEY FIRST.”  We sit them down when they cry, yell, or are disrespectful and say, “Because you yelled first rather than obey,” the consequences are worse. If you had obeyed first, even when you don’t like it, I would be more willing to listen when you disagree.  Then Model and role play it,  “If you don’t like the curfew, here’s how you respond… “Rather than “No one else’s parents give them curfews….”  you can say, “Okay.  If I am consistent with keeping the curfew, can we talk about this in a few weeks?”   Tell your kids exactly what “obeying” looks like, sounds like, smells like.

Recently Javan, my 12 year old, wanted to go to PLAY IT AGAIN SPORTS to “look at games” for his X-Box.  I said, “I’ll take you, but this will be frustrating for you. You have no money.  I WILL NOT buy any games for you.  So, we can go, but do not ask me to buy anything. I will not buy anything for you.”  Well, you can guess that when we arrived, he found the “perfect” game and asked me to buy it.   I told him no and he got upset.  So, I had to sit down with him and teach through the moment.  “Javan, I know you are getting mad. I told you that if we came here tonight, you’d be upset that I didn’t buy this. I told you in advance. Now, here’s what we can do. We can put your name on the Waiting list for the game so when a used version comes in, you can buy it for $20 less. Between now and then, you have several soccer games that you are refereeing, you can earn some of your own money.   More importantly, here’s how you should respond in this situation. There may be times I chip in some extra money because I like to be generous.  But, only when I see you “obey first” and even then I may not… But if you respond with Obey last, I will definitely NOT reward you. Obeying first earns you the right to push back and disagree with me.”

So, teach your children to obey first. Show them what happens when they Obey First. They Earn the Right to Push Back.

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