I am
writing this week’s column while sitting in a window seat of a CRJ 200 shuttle.
Designed for shorter flights that save the airlines money on fuel and service a
smaller volume of passengers. In other words it’s caca.

As I
survey my surroundings of this all too familiar traveling option that I have
grown accustomed too by the mere fact that I have no options since the Star
Trek transporter technology still seems to be years away;

At
this moment I am gobbling up a bag of peanuts that they actually offered free
of charge! Apparently they based the volume of how many peanuts per bag on the
Biblical story of the widow’s mite.

When
I first arrived at the check in I was asked for credit card to pay for checking
my bags. One wonders how they do this with a straight face.

 “Welcome sir we are happy you chose
Delta and hope you have a pleasant flight…Oh wait a minute..you are bringing
clothing? We didn’t anticipate this but yes, we have received clearance to tote
your personal effects along with you on your getaway but I am sure you can
understand this is going to cost you. Perhaps in the future when you know you
are going to travel you can ship your toiletries and wardrobe ahead in a
packing crate so it will be there when you arrive. It would be cheaper.”

The
seats on these shuttles are a miracle of modern technology. While other
companies still go by that archaic concept of providing seats that fit humans,
the airlines simply realized with a smaller plane it would be reasonable to
take one seat, put an armrest down the middle of it and voila, you have two!

They
also have this little gag they play with the English language where they offer
the “recliner” option on your seat. To “recline” in airline seat terminology refers
to the difference between initially being bent forward and “reclining” into
what the military refers to as attention.

In
other words if airlines manufactured a rocking chair it would consist of a
three legged stool with its feet set in concrete.

Part
of my adventure also consisted of the consistency of the airlines
inconsistency. My departure flight was delayed and arrived late thus causing me
to be the ubiquitous “running man” one always sees at airports and makes us
happy inside when we know its not us.

It
was me this time and after literally running 2 terminals I made it just in time
to find out they gave my seat away. They had a window available, which I took
though I’m an aisle man. Now I’m trapped in the Yoga “decaying zebra” position
and hope soon to regain feeling in at least one leg so I can hop/hobble down
the jet way in order to get out of this Marquis De Saad devised travel
experience.

Yes
the life of a traveling comedian, it just doesn’t get better than this.