Divorcing a narcissist is divorcing an intimidating bully.

Just as the child is fearful of ratting out the bully to the teacher so fears the spouse of a narcissist.

That is until they are unable to protect their children any longer.

Or unable to pay their rent or food or continue to keep their children out of harm’s way.

A brave woman in our community recently asked for help as divorce has left her in a financially unstable position. I read the email with both a gasp and pride. Proud to see this woman I know put herself out there and speak her truth and ask for help. Sure, as a writer I put myself out there but it is entirely different than sending out this type of plea. I know this woman is as fearful as I am. Afraid to poke the beast for fear the retaliation will be even greater.

But she faced her fear and spoke. 

And she did something which is difficult for a strong woman to admit – that she can’t get out of this situation and start over without the aid of others.

Those who have found themselves in the snare of the narcissist realize how few support systems there are. 

The people who know the narcissist refuse to believe it. The courts and psychologists acknowledge it though they are unable to provide much support in the area of emotional abuse. It is somehow easy for them to hide money and lower incomes and get away with it. Worse, society seems to believe that these successful individuals are entitled to or expected to do this type of devious behavior.

The family and friends they surround themselves with endorse the mentality of the good old boy who couldn’t possibly be taken advantage of by a woman.

Instead of acknowledging that spouses of narcissists can suffer from PTSD that is how severe their emotional abuse and unpredictable tactics can be. Thus, the inability to focus is so distracting it can cause sleep deprivation and trembling and actually prevent the spouse from moving forward, ironically, as quickly as the narcissist wants. Because the narcissist is all about money and wants to see the stay at home spouse working as soon as possible. Unbelievably, they get in their own way.

To the friends and family of the narcissist, a woman who made a joint decision to stay home and raise children is not lazy. She had a different job to do and was willing to do it for free while her spouse enjoyed the accolades of a big career and the acknowledgments which accompany it. These marriages are typically ending because of egregious behavior such as drinking or affairs or other things. Furthering the reason, a narcissist should take full accountability for their responsibilities rather than trying to escape them while inventing a new version of the truth as to the demise of their marriage.

You are enabling an abuser as the family and friends who look the other way. Worse, you are enabling a parent who is willing to endanger their children to gain their own preferred outcome.

A brave woman made me braver today.

(Photo courtesy of Pexels)

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