Divorce is trying and not just on the people experiencing it but on the individuals who know them.

I have spoken candidly about judging one of my best friends because I was so worried about her and her family. I was younger, more naive and still believed I was living life right. I also recall in my twenties having a bit too much well-meaning advice for my sister. These were the judgments born of the family. The type where you are so close to someone you honestly can’t stand to witness their pain so you judge out of fear, not malice.

I do, however, still believe that many people regardless of their relationship in your life judge not from a place of harm but rather fear, indifference, or ignorance.

Fear  – they do not want to become one of you – as if divorce were something you could catch.

Indifference – they were not raised to believe friends are family and you do get involved – you don’t look the other way.

Ignorance – they still believe they are living life right and have zero comprehension of the truly catastrophic effects of divorce.

First, let’s talk about fear.

Fear is a powerful motivator. 

The majority (do not let anyone fool you) of people have struggled at some point in their marriage. The good news? A lot of love survives. Both individuals make a decision they do not want to give up on one another or their family. In fact, I a lot of very happily married people read this column.

They are empathetic, evolved souls who aren’t fearful of the true reality of relationships, marriage, and divorce.

They understand life is not perfect and there but by the grace of God go any of us.

But there are other married people on the fringe. Perhaps some who have conceded to live with a certain level of unhappiness or more. Their judgments hail from a true place of founded fear.

Secondly, let’s talk about indifference.

Indifference is painful it conveys ‘I don’t really care enough.’

My mother used to be big on what she called ‘lies of omission.’ We would claim we hadn’t lied we had just neglected to tell her the whole story. “No matter,” she would say. “That is still a lie. It’s a lie of omission.”

I believe this is how the indifferent view themselves. They judge and stay to themselves as if it’s somehow better than getting involved on some level. They convince themselves this is what people do. They do not get involved in people’s relationships.

Here’s the thing. It’s not a relationship any longer but it’s still a family. 

There are children who are looking for the family friends to still be involved in their lives. To not remove themselves temporarily and judge and wait until it’s all over.

Friends do get involved because they love you and they care. Of course, not to the point where it interrupts their lives. They have their own families which must come first, but they do not do the opposite and sit back quietly and watch.

Thirdly, let’s talk about ignorance.

Ignorance is something none of us escape.

Why? Because until we have experienced something we are in fact, ignorant of its reality on some level. Fortunately, empathetic and caring people have the ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes and compensate for this.

In divorce, in general, there is definitely a high level of ignorance because truthfully, divorce is still in the closet. Locked away with all of the other scary life skeletons.

The things none of us want to talk about or are afraid will happen to us or that will expose us on some unwanted level.

So ignorance judges and it can judge harshly. 

I always say God never stops humbling me. Just when I think I have something figured out he makes it clear we have to always stay conscious of other people’s struggles.

Even if they are ones we can’t full understand.

 

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