When I began attending professional writers conferences I would eagerly sit and listen to editors speak of ‘finding your voice.’

At the time, all I could think was…’What the heck does that mean?’

I’m writing my heart out. Isn’t my voice obvious?

It took a while before I became seasoned enough to understand their message and my own voice.

Fast forward to the years of unimaginable destruction.

A woman who naively believed obtaining an attorney and moving on from my marriage was resolving my heartache – not resurrecting it!

Now I was using my voice to pray.

I not only prayed but listened intently as others told me to rely on my spirituality. While even more asked me where my spirituality was.  After all, if I was indeed devoutly spiritual I wouldn’t possibly be as stressed out, maxed out, and worn out as I was.

Night after night I would question myself as I attempted to coax myself to sleep.

If I am really faithful why can’t I let go of my fear?

If I believe God is paving my path why am I stressed?

If everything is happening for a reason why am I fighting it?

If I am devoutly spiritual why am I up all night worrying?

I began to question my own spiritual integrity.

Eventually more, doubt crept in.

Perhaps, I am not spiritually strong?

Maybe I am weak. 

Or, am I  ‘Conditionally Spiritual’ rather than ‘Unconditionally Spiritual?’ Could I be a good time Charlotte? Someone who is faithful as blessings pour my way and a no show when they abruptly halt?

Who was I spiritually? Why wasn’t my faith as incredibly strong as I believed it to be? Why was I succumbing to the human condition?

Why was I allowing my worries to dilute my faith?

After all, if we wholeheartedly BELIEVE there should be an absence of fear, worry, stress and the other ugly counter-intuitive spirituality vocab words.

But here I sat…

As eager as I once was to ACHIEVE my writer’s voice – begging to ACHIEVE my spiritual voice.

In the elusive and exclusive literary world, rejections littered my path. In the ultra-competitive spirituality world, other forces were at work…

Once the owner of three homes, I now met foreclosure notices, repo guys, debit cards declined and more than could ever be mentioned. All because I dared to leave a man. The more people who knocked on my door to collect debts, the more my children declined. The more my children suffered the more I worried. And on and on.

All the while cognizant God was at work yet the intensity, duration and exponential effects led me from spiritual feast to famine. 

The nights I tossed and turned and believed I was spiritually defective. A phony. A fake.

A real believer would sleep through the night. They would greet the mortgage company representative and the tax collector at the door with a smile.

God was opening that front door with them.

It’s taken some time.

More than it possibly should have but…

This week as my computer broke, my puppy swallowed part of a stuffed toy, more unexpected bills showed up, and I found out I am still months away from finalizing this eternal divorce

I am calm.

I am sleeping through the night again.

I couldn’t force myself into finding my writer’s voice all those years ago. It was a process. An evolution. One day I put the pen to the paper and the key to the computer and it all just made sense. This great passion of mine finally had a voice. I had spent years praying for it and working hard for it and wondering why it wasn’t happening.

I had even doubted myself.

If I was, in fact, a writer – how could it not be unfolding sooner?

I AM A WRITER. I was always a writer. I just hadn’t perfected it.

I AM SPIRITUAL. I was always spiritual. I just hadn’t perfected it.

True spirituality doesn’t arrive instantaneously. It takes years of praying for it and working hard for it and wondering why it’s not happening.

It takes…

Foreclosure notices, electricity turned off, the indignity of your card being declined at the grocery store, having only $4 to put in your gas tank, and more.

It takes watching your precious children suffer because of choices you once made.

In the ultra-competitive spirituality world,  it means never giving up. Never losing sight of your faith. Never doubting yourself. 

And of course, remembering…

God is opening that front door with you.

 

(Photo courtesy of Pexels)

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