I just read a post on a Facebook page I love and follow – Godwinks.

If you haven’t checked out the series of ten Godwinks books penned by New York Times Bestselling author SQuire Rushnell you should.

You will find Rushnell’s stories spiritually intoxicating. 

In fact, upon reading When God Winks at You: How God Speaks Directly to You Through the Power of Coincidence I found myself captivated enough to immediately purchase multiple copies. On the way home from the bookstore that day, I tucked a few in the mailboxes of friends experiencing difficulties. I then stashed away other copies for the moment I knew someone I love would need them.

Today’s Facebook post begged the question (and I paraphrase) “Have you received something other than what you prayed for and was it better than you expected?”

I was moved to comment.

For many reasons, this spoke to me. After all, I have written about the years I spent ‘fighting God.’ Telling him I did not wish for this devastating outcome called divorce. I begged and pleaded and even as devoutly faithful as I am temporarily lost my spirituality while I felt deeply sorry for myself.

And when I say sorry for myself I mean in the most pitying of ways. As the saying goes, ‘I was like chocolate, a hot gooey (insert the word ‘spiritual’) mess.’

And as much as I fought God – God pushed back.

And as I often say I dragged the proverbial horse through the mud and beat it and turned it over and beat it again.

Of course, I knew God was speaking to me. I knew exactly what He was telling me. I knew what He wished. I knew what He wanted. 

But it wasn’t what I prayed for.

I frequently joke my dream was not only to be a writer but to be a columnist. However, if someone had told me years ago, “Good news! Your dreams are going to come true! You will write a column about divorce.”

I would have said, “Thank you very much. I do not want to write that badly.”

I shared this sentiment in the comment thread of the Godwinks post today. Only I left something out. Not intentionally. I just didn’t remember it until I closed out of Facebook. Why? Because as a lifelong lover of signs I usually think of the Godwinks in my life as strictly the positive ones I am searching and asking for.

But this little thing called ‘denial’ or should I say ‘spiritual denial.’ made me ignore several things God sent my way.

To illustrate how strong my resistance was I can only remember one of the successive Godwinks I received during that time. It was, however, the most glaring.

In between, exhausting God with my persistent pleas, I was rear-ended while sitting at a traffic light. It was the summer and hot outside so I had taken off my thick gold wedding band and placed it in the ashtray filled with coins. The sudden impact sent the change flying up into the air.

In the days that followed I searched and searched for my wedding band. 

I had a diamond ring as well but this was the one we exchanged in church and therefore, far more valuable to me.

You should have heard the conversations I had with God.

They went something like this, “C’mon, really?? My wedding band?? Are you trying to knock me over the head and say it’s over? Accept it??”

Of course, I knew He was.

I never did find my wedding band. 

Something which to this day is inconceivable to me. There had been no place for it to go. I had just taken it off. It had to be somewhere in that car.

And even after accepting God’s new path for my life, I still prayed I would find that sentimental band. What would be the harm? I was no longer fighting my inevitable truth. Why couldn’t I just have that one little piece that represented the promise I certainly meant to keep that long ago day?

I finally had to get rid of my old car. It was clear after detailers and mechanics could not locate my ring, it was not meant to be.

The funny thing?

I have written so much about my journey and yet, forgot to include this – one of the most profound moments.

The day God made it abundantly clear this particular prayer would not be answered.

So yes, I have received something other than what I prayed for and yes, it was better than expected.

I write a column about life, love, and divorce.

‘I fell down farther than most so I could help others get up.’

I let go of a man who didn’t cherish me enough to fight for me. 

I get a second chance to find someone who does.

I can’t believe I ever cried.

I can’t believe I fought with God.

Some days though I still wish my ring would miraculously surface. The only difference? It would no longer represent the union between one man and one woman.

It would be a reminder that when we fight with God – God is going to push back.

And bring us better than we expected.

 

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