Yesterday I experienced an emotional hiccup.

I shed a few tears.

I know! surprised me too.

After all, I am me again. I have regained my original strength and confidence.

I am finally restored.

But here’s the thing. I saw someone from my old world. The one I used to belong to. The one you have heard me speak of where I existed as a couple and not simply Colleen.

Instantly, I was thrust back to a time when I hemorrhaged love.

The excruciating emotional process of letting go of those whose loss I vehemently resisted.

I kicked. I screamed. I yelled. I fought it all. But it happened anyway.

Real people in my day to day life gradually turned into shadows of my past. 

In truth, it doesn’t necessarily take a divorce to command this human transformation. It can be any type of significant loss or trauma. The type where you suddenly need people, be it actual grief, a divorce, the loss of a job, a reputation, sudden illness or any other life-altering affliction.

The happy times are when you hang with people. The painful times are when you hang onto people.

So you reinforce your emotional grip. You grab hold hoping they will secure you because you are frightened. At first, because you are not sure you can endure what’s before you, then because you need them so badly, and finally because you feel a few slipping away.

No matter.

These are not the actual losses you initially believe them to be.

These are the times ‘When God Cleans Your House.’

My house was messy. No, it was ridiculously messy.

And I hate emotional cleaning. It’s far more exhausting than the physical counterpart. 

I had collected quite a few sentimental humans along my path.

And the clutter was overwhelming. Some said this and some said that. Some still called me beautiful despite my ugly. But others focused on the ugly induced by this life-changing experience. My house was filled with inconsistent messages.

God was insistent I lighten my load, lessen my cleaning.

He cleared out my house and I cried.

And then I cried some more. I begged to hold onto a few cherished beings. But He knew it was too much work.

I didn’t trust in God. 

My home felt bare and cold. 

I wanted all my sentimental humans back.

So I stomped my feet and cried a little more.

God tried to tell me the ones who walked away from me at my worst never had the ability to love me at my best but I still wouldn’t accept it. I loved my crowded house.

One day after what seemed like so many empty nights, I spied something.

My eyes had not been fully open until the clutter was swept away.

I no longer lived where some said this and some said that. 

I only lived with the ones who still called me beautiful…

You are a good person you deserve better.

You have been through so much.

You are strong.

You inspire me.

You will get through this.

My house is filled with consistent messages.

Yesterday, I spotted a shadow of my past. 

 

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