As if it isn’t enough to be badgered by paparazzi and crazed fans, now David and Victoria Beckham, Britain’s celebrity royals, are reportedly being fought over by Tom Cruise and Madonna. Does Tom want the soccer phenom to star in his next movie? Nope. Does Madonna want the former Spice Girl to do a duet? Nope. According to MSNBC.com’s The Scoop, Madge and Tom are waging a battle to win the super couple over to Kabbalah and Scientology, respectively.

Pictures of Posh with Cruise’s fiance, Katie Holmes, have been splashed all over the celebrity gossip magazines for the past few months. But it seems that Jewish mysticism is winning out: Those same tabloids are now carrying pictures with Mrs. Beckham sporting the red string bracelet popular among Kabbalah enthusiasts.

“Perhaps Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie have the edge,” Rick Ross of Cultnews.com tells Scoop, “since Ritchie after all is a Brit and his wife keeps a house in the English countryside.”

Perhaps Madonna and Cruise should just get together and form a religion called Sciencabbalism. Maybe then they’d finally land America’s celebrity royal, Oprah–who according to reports, has so far been able to resist the efforts of both the couch jumper and the Material Girl.