If you are looking for repetition (You are what you think! You are what you think!), unintentional comedy (think Parker Posey’s Libby in “Waiting for Guffman“–but real), a reason to roll your eyes a lot, and are hoping to “get rich quick” before the holidays, then buy the recently released DVD “The Secret“! This pseudo-documentary promises to solve all of life’s problems, in under two hours and with more enthusiasm than you’ll be able to swallow!

But it’ll be your loss (of time and money).

The website captures the film’s vibe and entire content well: “‘The Secret’ is released to the world! This ground-breaking feature length movie presentation reveals The Great Secret of the universe. … This is The Secret to everything–the secret to unlimited joy, health, money, relationships, love, youth: Everything you have ever wanted … Now YOU will know The Secret. And it could change your life forever.”

What’s funny about the DVD’s packaging and its website is the way they make like there really is a secret. Well, save your money because I’ll reveal the secret right here. (Insert drumroll.) The secret is as follows: If you think it, it will come! So you wanted a Maserati? Then think: Maserati, Maserati. Draw pictures of one. Cut photos of it out of car magazines. Take one for a test drive! Before you know it–you’ll have one! Just like that!

It’s guarenteed to work. What? You don’t believe me? Well then, let me give you another example. You’d like to date three women at once? Fantasize about yourself with three women flirting with you. Now do an oil painting of you with the three women. Make many versions and hang them on all the walls. Soon you will have women falling all over you! It’s that easy! First you need to see. Then you need to believe. Then you get ready to receive!

Does it sound laughable to you? Then you will be laughing all the way through “The Secret”–though not because it is intentionally comedic. The producers are clearly trying to pass this off as as an alternative “What the Bleep Do We Know?” but it fails miserably. Whereas “What the Bleep” is a fascinating, mind-boggling film about quantum physics,and other jaw-droppingly cool reflections on spirituality and the universe, “The Secret” is its opposite.

In other words, I can’t recommend a single thing about this movie in good conscience. (Which makes me wonder: If I think the movie is bad, does it then become bad? According to “The Secret,” I think it does!)