“In every relationship, we have a choice: to choose love or separation, to choose for love or to choose for hate or fear.” — Margaret Wheatley, IN SWEET COMPANY: CONVERSATIONS WITH EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN ABOUT LIVING A SPIRITUAL LIFE

Piece of Advice # 3: A crucial time in every relationship is the period when  the initial glow dims and a couple begins to settle in to the everydayness of being together. When what was once “new” and “exhilarating” becomes run-of-the-mill, it’s an opportunity to become true friends to each other. Though it may seems antithetical, this is also the time in a relationship when each person is called to map out their personal boundaries, to learn to be good friends to their Self. (Piece of Advice # 4). Both ventures take practice in and of themselves, especially because they are two sides of the same coin — and the coin flips, depending on the circumstances, sometimes moment to moment. It’s easy to loose yourSelf in a relationship, to think that friendship or respect or love means that you must sublimate your authentic needs, not ask for what’s important to you or not stand for what you genuinely believe or desire. It’s easy, too, to get so hooked into your own agenda or feelings that you think what’s true for you is true for the other.

The border between self and other (small “s” and small “o”) is blurry, and It gets messier still when you inadvertently or inconsiderately straddle that divide. The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said, “A wise man has his ‘yes’ and has his ‘no.'” “Wise” is the operative word. it implies that you take the time to judiciously consider your “yes” and “no,” that your standards are neither arbitrary or fixed in stone. Thus, you give and take with grace and ease in the moment. Your respect yourSelf and well as the Other. You are a good friend to your Self as well as to the Other. As Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” 

Stay tuned for additional tips in the days to come.

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