“You’re hurting my tree, Joe. I know this because trees sometimes talk to me when you forget to. Rocks, too. Like, right now this tree wants you to stop drilling that hole, Joe. You’re making the tree cry. It wants to know how you’d like it if somebody drilled a hole through your thigh. Oh, wait… now it’s listening to Casting Crowns and praising me in spite of the pain you’re causing, Joe.” -Jesus

“Run faster, Phil! FASTER! You’re wearing my numbers, dude. If you lose, that makes me look bad. And frankly, I don’t want to be credited for your poor performance.” -Jesus

“Hey! Don’t turn your back on me. I’m Jesus. Fine. Be that way…I’m finished talking to you anyway…” -Jesus

FIVE MINUTES LATER…

“Okay, so you’re right; I have no idea what it feels like to be pregnant. But in all fairness, you have no idea what it’s like to be the savior of somebody who is. If I’m honest, you’d be very difficult to be save right now.” -Jesus

“Why won’t you give me five dollars, Joyce? It’s all mine to be begin with. You know that, right? All of the money in this place is mine–you guys just borrow it from me. Now give me my five dollars so I can buy some lunch.” -Jesus

“Ugh. I certainly hope you’re not expecting to get on national television today, Jerry. Because it does not look promising. Which is a shame, because I was hoping you’d give me a little shout out–you know, to thank me for helping you win this game…. But that’s not going to happen with a shot a like that.” -Jesus

“I love you, Jane. I love you because you stay home all day and make pies. You’re special… No, you are… just because I said so. On a side note, can you believe that there are people in this world who I allow to eat half the pies in a pie shop and they are still not happy?” -Jesus

“But you’ll soon be a surgeon, Josh! A SURGEON. That’s exciting, right? Okay, fine, you make a good point. You are the one doing all of this studying and it isn’t exactly fair that most of your work will be credited to me. But think of the lives you’ll save!!… Now that’s just rude, Josh… how dare you say something so cruel? I do not give people cancer!!!” -Jesus

“Oh, please, Bill–what is this? I died for the sins of the world during my midlife crisis.” -Jesus

“You know, Sam, if you’re willing to drive over to Willow Lake on the other side of town and dip your pole in there, I’ll fill up your bucket with lots of fish. Sure, I could do it here. But then how would that help you? You’d start expecting it and stuff. And we can’t have that, now can we? So, whaddya say?” -Jesus

“I don’t care what your church orchestra director says, I get NOTHING from the French horn. Seriously, I hate the French.” -Jesus