See Jesus? Well, he’s there! And according to the ad on Ebay.com…

THIS IS NOT A HOAX!

“JESUS IN THE MARBLE”, A PRICELESS MODERN DAY MIRACLE!

(Looks like cracks in a wall to me. Sure, I see “Jesus,” but I also see poor marble work.)

The image of “Jesus in the Marble” was found in 2003. It is a clear

depiction of Jesus Christ on the cross. (Or Barabbas! I SAY BARABBAS! I SAY BARABBAS!)

The formation of this image upon the marble was a supernatural occurrence in that it was neither intentional nor constructed by human hands. (Human error?) It is in correct anatomical position and perfect proportion. If you look closely, you can make out lines of energy (Like a force field?) behind the image, representing our Savior’s position in heaven. This magnificent blessing is made up of four individual 12 x 12 marble tiles and is found at eye level on the head of my shower wall. (Holy cracks, Jesus chipped himself into this person’s shower!) I firmly believe that the image of Jesus is in close proximity to the shower faucet in order to represent the Baptismal qualities of water, and the promises one makes in renewing and refreshing one’s spirit. (Zestfully perhaps?)

Since discovering this miracle and trying to bring it to market, I have had trials and tribulations (Let me guess: people think you’re on crack?), but I have persevered because of God’s grace present in my life through this unexplainable occurrence. (Cracks!) “If God is for me, Who can be against me? Romans 8:31”. I have personally experienced divine healings of my physical body and spirit. My total cholesterol was 280 and it miraculously dropped to 180 without a change in my diet. (Really?)

I also suffered from neck and back pain, for which I sought medical help, but one day it just totally disappeared. (I think I’m going to go chip Jesus into my bathroom tile right now.) My mind, body and soul has been comforted just from being in close proximity to the image of Jesus; I no longer worry, and now I sleep soundly. (Then why are you selling it?) “Jesus in the Marble” has given me strength in my hour of need and I continue to be touched by the grace and mercy of God on a daily basis. Since discovering “Jesus in the Marble”, I have achieved financial independence (and Ebay) through God’s grace.

This priceless modern day miracle was not planned by my effort and is an extraordinary manifestation of God’s hand at work. I have spent countless hours in prayer and I have thus determined that I was given this blessing in order to share it with the world and use the funds to uplift impoverished people (Aw, now I feel sort of bad. You sound nice. Not sane. But nice.). The Catholic Church is currently investigating the image of “Jesus in the Marble”, and a declaration of a miraculous appearance is pending (Like the Shroud.).

The sale of “Jesus in the Marble” is a package deal including the image of Jesus, and all rights pertaining to it, as well as, a luxury two bedroom, two bathroom, oceanfront condo valued at $500,000. (Jesus comes with a house!) No other separate offers will be entertained. The majority of the proceeds generated from the sale of the image will be donated to churches, charities and non-profit organizations through my private foundation.

Okay, who’s buying it?! Whoever does this condo a la Jesus, may I come over and take a shower? I need to lose four pounds.