It seems like if there was really a wish fairy, everyone would have something they’d like to change. Whether it’s something big, like getting a huge income increase, or something personal, like losing weight, or a gazillion other types of things, most people would love something different if they didn’t have to work for it. The trouble is, life isn’t a fairy tale and there is no wish fairy, so many of those wishes for change don’t come true. When I was a DoorMat, I prayed for the wish fairy to take pity on me and help me change my people pleasing ways but never got a response.

I finally accepted that change comes from within and then you do what’s necessary to achieve it.

It took time for me to change, since I operated in fear back then. Plus, I had no skills or resources to use to become a more empowered woman. My change began with discovering faith. I was just beginning to recognize that maybe there was a spiritual power I could tap into. So I stopped praying for a wish fairy and instead prayed for an epiphany or something to help me get started. Right after, 2 real friends (who didn’t know each other) lectured me a few days apart about how it bothered them to see how I let people treat me.

They told me I DESERVED a lot better and needed to stop giving all my energy to others and start doing more for me. I listened. It actually felt eerie to hear this from 2 different people at 2 different times for no apparent reason. Now I know that it was my prayers being answered. “Coincidentally,” a few days later I went to visit my parents for a week. After being nurtured and loved, I returned home with determination to change.

Ask for a sign to get started. It will most likely come through experiences like it did for me.

Pay attention and learn from the signs, unless you really want to stay in the place you’d prefer were different. If the idea of change unnerves you or seems overwhelming, try to focus on the benefits of handling situations in more satisfying ways, one step at a time. It’s much better than complaining without results. I know, because I was the Queen of Complainers. I may have been a DoorMat but I sure complained all the time to anyone who’d listen, except of course to people who were the source of what I complained about. Speaking up to people who hurt or angered me wasn’t an option back then.

One constructive baby step at a time makes changing easier. Instead of seeing changing your ways as major overhauls, perceive change as an accumulation of small lessons used effectively to break old habits—not who you are. Do it slowly but do it! I learned to initiate change with these steps:

* Acknowledge you need to change. The hardest step may be ending the delusion that helping others compensates for your dissatisfaction or that your weight makes you unhappy and holds you back or that you won’t be happy until you break an old habit, like procrastinating or talking too much.

* Decide you want to change: Make a conscious decision to seek more effective ways to handle irritating situations. You have to want it enough to do something more than just pray for the wish fairy.

* Pinpoint what to change: Pay attention to your habits. Assess which need breaking. Poor eating habits? Making excuses instead of exercising? Getting caught up in trivial activities that keep you from tackling important things? Interrupting people and not listening? Saying “yes” to things you don’t want?

* Decide what to change first: Pick one person or situation to start with. Make one small change. Eat a healthier meal one time. Say “no” to one person. Concentrate on finishing one task. As you change one habit, you’ll enjoy feeling in control over it. Then tackle another.

* Try different techniques: Like shopping, try on different suits until one fits properly. See which demeanor you’re comfortable with to express yourself more or turn down requests. You may need different attitudes with different people or different strategies in a variety of situations. Eating home more may help you get started on controlling your eating. Some people need a gym or personal trainer to exercise. Some find a walking buddy. See what feels best for you.

* Motivate yourself. Let painful memories inspire handling yourself differently. Usually we want to change things we don’t like. Think about why and write it down. Affirm the reasons you want to handle situations differently.

* Consciously applaud progress. Don’t wait for major breakthroughs. Celebrate each baby step as an accomplishment, even if it seems insignificant. Saying “no” to a cookie is an accomplishment for someone who normally can’t resist. I know because I love sweets and must resist the urge to pig out too often. So when I limit myself, I’m jazzed!

* Be patient. Empowerment won’t develop overnight. It takes time to get comfortable with a new approach. If you can recognize every teeny baby step as progress on your road to what you want, you can wait for the bigger stuff to come.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. “

Change begins with that first step. Take a little one and then another. You may wake up one day and noticed you’ve broken an old habit and replaced it with one that helps you become the person you want to be as a series of baby steps adds up. I still remember when I looked in the mirror and realized how empowered I’d become. So Sweet!

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