Many of the comments for my posts tell me a story and then ask, “Am I a DoorMat?” To paraphrase an old saying: If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and talks like a duck… Do you think it’s a duck? In most cases, if you think you’re a DoorMat, you probably are, to at least some degree. Most of us have a little bit of DoorMat in us. I still do. It’s natural to want people to like you and feels good on some levels about being agreeable.

But when your agreeable ways lead to feeling unhappy or you’re questioning whether or not you’re a DoorMat, it’s time to do things differently.

In a comment on my post on Turning Over Your Welcome Mat, Jewel asked for confirmation that she’s a DoorMat. She already knows she is. Her ex left her a snotty message that he was in town and if she wanted to see him, she could meet him for breakfast the next day, in a restaurant convenient for him, not her, knowing she’s unemployed so money is tight. She said she always ends up driving to see him and it’s always about him.

Yes, behavior that you do for others that makes you feel low or bad or hurt or any other negative emotion means you need to set better boundaries.

He’s an ex for a reason. Ask yourself why you need to see him? Often, our behavior is a series of habits that can be broken. You might be running to see him because you always have, not because seeing him is important. Make new friends, especially with yourself! Focus your energy on being more loving to YOU, getting your act together and finding a job. Let your ex eat with the people who still allow themselves to be ordered around by someone who makes everyone revolve around his wishes.

The first time you stay home might feel weird, but hold on to the fact that you’re doing something loving for YOU. Let the knowledge that you took control of that situation empower you. I still remember the first time I stopped jumping for someone who made me unhappy with his behavior. I was crazy about him but knew I deserved better treatment and to have my needs respected. My sadness quickly turned to joy when I though about how empowering it was to control what I did, and didn’t do. Focus on controlling what you say yes to and eventually you’ll shed your DoorMat skin!

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