I never stop being astounded by what clients tell me they hear from others and adopt as their truth about themselves. Just because someone says, “You’ll never amount to anything,” especially years ago, doesn’t mean it’s true, unless you make it so. Many beliefs that we hold onto go back to early childhood. People say things–usually critical judgments–and we adopt it as our truth. No matter how many times relatives told me I was pretty, my beliefs about me stemmed from the one person who said I was too big to be good enough.

Criticism sticks to us like glue while praise is often scoffed as someone just saying it to be nice.

When I was a Doormat, I inhaled negative beliefs. The more I believed, the more I heard and adopted them as who I was. I’ll never forget when I was a young teen, a man exclaimed over my “sparkling green eyes.” My usual response–negating his words–kicked in. But he wasn’t having it and asked his wife for a mirror. He put it in my face and told me to really look. At that moment I saw them. For a short time after I was aware that my eyes were pretty. But a few body bashing comments later, my eyes became invisible when I looked in the mirror.

My self-esteem finally blossomed by when I began to see myself through a loving set of eyes that finally acknowledged all my good qualities. But that was a LONG time coming after seeing myself as fat and ugly for so many years. That’s why it’s SOOO important to recognize what I call your details–all the good qualities you possess but may not acknowledge in your focus on what’s wrong with you.

Seeing yourself through the eyes of things said by others makes it hard to have the SELF-approval needed for good self-esteem.

Losing a few pounds, making more money, getting at least a few packs on your abs, won’t create long lasting self-approval. External factors impress others but don’t touch your soul. Self-love, which requires YOUR own approval, stimulates true self-esteem. Since self-esteem is based on what you think of yourself, how can you develop the real deal if you’re conditioned to see yourself through the eyes of others? It’s a hard habit to break, but you can!

It took me years of slowly appreciating what was right with me instead of dwelling on what was wrong.

Start by writing down your good details–all the things–large and small–that are good about you. Ask friends for suggestions if you’re stuck. Pay attention to them and focus on seeing you through the eyes of someone who at least wants to love him/herself. You may not have a shred of self-love yet. That’s okay. I started from zero and worked my way to 1,000%! Try to be more objective when you see yourself in the mirror or evaluate your worth. Being a good, caring, kind person is admirable, especially when you can learn how to set boundaries.

Setting those boundaries is part of building self-love.

Today I’m older and weigh more than I did when I was fat and ugly. But my perception of me is a hot, sexy, curvy, beautiful woman with gorgeous green eyes that twinkle from happiness. It began with that man pointing out my eyes in the mirror but took decades for it to sink in. I had no tools or role model. You have me! I’ll give you many ways to motivate yourself to be loving to yourself as you step out of DoorMatville. Begin building your worth in your own head and eventually you’ll wake up as I did and realize you’ve fallen in love with yourself!

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