Have been on agreeable autopilot for most of your life? Getting at least somewhat comfortable with expressing yourself will feel liberating. If you’re hesitant to speak your mind or turn down requests that will inconvenience you, imagine the consequences and self-chastising of holding your feelings in. When I was a DoorMat, the idea of making my own desires important and not agreeing to what other people wanted gave me the willies.  My reaction came from a place of fear.

•    What if the person stops liking me because I don’t help out?
•    How can I live with myself if I’m not “nice?”
•    What will people think of me?
•    Will people label me as selfish, or worse?
•    And the BIG one–What if I end up lonely because I don’t help?

I had no idea what would happen if I turned off agreeable autopilot and became more selective about what I agreed to. But strong insecurity kept me from trying so I didn’t try to find out for years. The most important thing to me was being liked. DoorMats don’t like to rock what they see as the security boat. Doing favors for everyone was what I was used to, even if I often felt bad about it later when I missed doing things that I wanted in order to baby sit for someone’s kid or help with chores that were undone in my own home because I had no time. Being a nice, clean, prominent welcome mat to others leads to:

•    Anger when you feel taken for granted
•    Resentment when you don’t feel appreciated for all you do
•    Bitterness when you can’t do your own stuff because your time is taken up by favors
•    Disgust with yourself for not being able to say no.

The last one is especially detrimental because it keeps your self-esteem low. And it’s hard to love yourself when you’re disgusted with how you handle situations. It took me many years to turn my DoorMat over so I wasn’t radiating welcome to what I eventually saw as DoorMat predators. You may have to pull at the corners and slowly–using teeny baby steps–begin to pull it up.

Each time you set a boundary, pat yourself on the back to appreciate a step, no matter how small.

My first happened when I’d been excited to go hear a talk and a friend asked me to come over to help her rearrange her living room. She rambled on about how she wanted a new look and needed my input, and my strength to move the furniture with her. I told her how much I’d been looking forward to the talk and she’d have to find someone else. She actually got annoyed with me and called me the B word used on women! Blessedly, I thought this time instead of automatically agreeing to cancel my plans.

It was hard but I forced myself to not agree and enjoyed the talk without letting guilt ruin it. Afterward it hit me. She didn’t care a hoot about my needs! Yet I was always her go-to girl for everything.

That woke me up to how unfair many of the requests I’d get were. Enjoying the evening thoroughly made me feel so good that the guilt I’d normally feel was overshadowed by my pleasure and my small inkling that it wasn’t wrong to not help when I already had plans. It felt so good to not agree to something I didn’t want to do that a few weeks later I said I couldn’t do another request that would have made me unhappy to do. The joy I felt in making me important led to more frequent times for turning off agreeable autopilot. Turning over your mat doesn’t mean never helping others. You should help those you love when you can.

The operative words are “when you can,” not as a sacrifice. Tomorrow I’ll have more specific tips for saying “no.”

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