A reader complained about getting taken advantage of because of being a bit too giving. She asked if people like her have an aura about them that controllers seek out. Others have asked if people can sniff a DoorMat coming like a leopard looking to pounce on its prey. It’s not an actual scent but aura is a good word for what people who live to please others give off.

Demeanor is another. And yes, there are predators who look for DoorMats they can take advantage of. They like to use people who are willing to be used. I can often spot a DoorMat easily. Many carry themselves in a manner that gives it away. Some of the signs of a DoorMat are:

•    Slumped posture. DoorMats don’t hold their heads high, shoulders back, and look confident when they enter a room. They often slump over and kind of drag themselves in. You can sometimes actually feel the fear they’re experiencing from being in a room full of people and not knowing how to handle themselves.

•    No eye contact. DoorMats have a harder time looking people in the eye. More commonly they look down or around, indicating insecurity. It makes them look very uncomfortable with themselves, which they are!

•    Tentative, hesitant responses during a conversation. DoorMats are afraid to say the wrong thing, lest they be judged poorly. They can also tend to agree with almost everything someone says.

•    They jump in to help everyone at every opportunity, whether asked or not. This is the most obvious sign of a DoorMat, the dead giveaway. Predators may ask for more as they recognize your inability to turn down requests.

Of course there are many levels to the above behavior. Not every DoorMat does everything and some show these signs more obviously than others. But most people eventually figure it out, even if you’re a subtle one. Taking advantage of you doesn’t make everyone a DoorMat predator. Far from it! Many very nice people took advantage of me in my DoorMat days. Why? Because I let them!

It’s human nature for people to take from you if it’s offered or if they know they can get what they need by asking.

Availing themselves of DoorMat support doesn’t make people bad or wrong. You offer, they accept. And why not if they need help or whatever else you offer? People enjoy being around agreeable people at least for a time. DoorMat predators make up a small percentage of those who take advantage. Most of those you give and give to are just people who enjoy reaping the benefits of your giving. If you set boundaries on it, they very well might continue to be your friend.

It’s YOUR choice to be overly giving and YOUR choice to stop it! Don’t blame others for taking from you if you continue to give willingly.

If you feel used or taking for granted, and that your aura attracts people who take advantage of your people pleasing ways, pay attention to how you come across. You can change some of the ways you become a target of predators or invite requests that you’d like to say no to.  Try to change some of the factors I listed above if you recognize them in yourself. I go into greater details about his in many of my posts and in my books.

You can fake confidence until it’s real! That helps to get rid of the DoorMat aura that people see.

The best first step is to DECIDE that you don’t want to be a DoorMat anymore, as many of you affirmed in past comments. Once you make that decision, do one small thing to set a boundary on giving. Slowly, you can change your aura to one of confidence, by CHOOSING to do so!

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