In my first post on Beliefnet, someone asked if his stupidity led to his blindness or did his blindness lead to his stupidity. I need to address this as I do believe that many of you probably feel this way. Waking up to the reality of how you remained blind to letting people walk all over you hurts. I felt like I’d been stabbed. After the hurt,  the nasty thoughts come:

•    What’s wrong with me that I was so blind to what was going on?
•    I must be a moron for letting this happen.
•    Why didn’t I wake up sooner?
•    I’m totally worthless if people do this to me.

Reality often bites you hard with nasty, judgmental, unloving feelings! It’s hard to develop self-love or to feel empowered when you recognize your DoorMat pattern.

We often delude ourselves by thinking we’re SOOO nice for helping people so much. But it’s not SOOO nice if it makes you feel SOOO bad. Thinking of yourself in negative terms doesn’t feel good. Beating yourself up for being giving keeps your self-esteem low. If you want to leave DoorMatville, you have to stop. Actually, you need to go in the opposite direction, since that’s where the train out of it goes.

Most DoorMats feel like they’re the only ones who allow themselves to be taken advantage of and are surprised when they find my blog and see that there are many of us current and recovering DoorMats.

I do believe that most people have the tendency to be one since wanting to be liked is normal. A great majority of people have some flaw that makes them at least a little self-conscious or insecure. Not everyone becomes a full fledged DoorMat like I was but most want please people to some extent. I still do, but I’ve got it under control now and am more selective about what I give these days vs. what I give to me.

When you’re insecure and have no tools for empowering yourself, it’s hard to not fall into people pleasing patterns.

Most DoorMats feel out of control and giving freely of yourself is one way to feel in control of something, no matter how unhealthy the behavior is for you. Fear and insecurity are very strong emotions leading people to DoorMatville. They make you scared to say no to others. If your time is short, you say no to yourself instead. When I finally took off my blinders and faced how low being a DoorMat made me feel, I felt disgust toward myself. Fortunately, several friends talked me through it, like I try to do for you! They yelled at me for the names I called myself, and made me feel worthy of stopping my people pleaser ways and making  my own needs important.

Calling yourself names isn’t loving!!! Nor does it do any good for you.

You’re not stupid or a moron or worthless or have something wrong with you if you’ve been a full time people pleaser. You’re human and hurting. Hurting yourself with mean thoughts is the last thing you should do. Instead, turn the kindness you give to others toward yourself, at least some of the time. Forgive yourself for being weak from whatever negative emotions motivated you to give freely. Then move forward.

What matters is recognizing your giving patterns and using my tools to get stronger so you can give more to you and set boundaries with others.

When you live in the NOW, like I recommend highly, what you did before is over and done. NOW is what counts. And NOW you have a choice to continue to be a DoorMat or start your journey out of DoorMatville with a loving mindset toward yourself. If you think of yourself negatively, say out loud, “NO! I’m not_____.” Instantly forgive yourself for the negative thoughts. Slowly you can break the habits that bring those thoughts to you and give yourself the love you deserve.

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