You set a boundary with a friend. You don’t want to do something they want you to and say so. Or perhaps you’re making a more empowering lifestyle change that a friend disagrees with. Or you may not want someone to join you for an evening out or to go on a trip, like what I discussed about traveling solo in, What’s Your Pleasure? When I was a DoorMat, one protest or someone questioning why I was making a choice would send me back to my past behavior or direction.

Other people don’t have to understand YOUR choice for you to make it. Only you must know why.

Many people are scared to take risks or deviate from the norm or what most people would do. So when they see you doing something different or that seems risky, they judge it as wrong. Or when you take better care of yourself and prioritize your own needs, people you used to always be a “yes” person with will not like it and protest or try to guilt you back to making their desires your main concern. But, it’s YOUR choice to go along with them or put energy into making them understand why you want to do something your way, or ignore them

Man people will never understand if they don’t want to or are scared to consider that your choices are valid.

I remember years ago when I was just leaving DoorMatville I had a boyfriend who was a hottie. I loved being with him on romantic levels and just looking at him. But, he had a lot of emotional problems and took them out on me. I was often stressed and asked myself if great sex and intermittent romance was worth it. He was paranoid, and let me down often. Jeremy (not his real name) was my first real love since leaving my marriage. I hung in for a while as I valued the good so much. But, eventually he pushed me too far and I broke it off.

I felt proud, thought it hurt a lot to miss the good stuff. I told this to a single friend who encouraged me to call Jeremy and take him back. Hello!! I’d just told her how much emotional trauma he’d put me through and that I couldn’t take anymore. Her response? “Do you know what’s out there? There’s a lot worse and at least he’s a cute guy who gives you some good stuff. Go back to him!” I elaborated on the hurtful things he’d done but she held fast to her belief that he was better than nothing, or at least better than a lot of available single guys.

People may put their own needs or insecurities into their response to your choices. That doesn’t mean what they say should apply to you.

My friend was desperate for a boyfriend. She knew how hot Bob was and had been jealous that I had him. So no matter what I said, she couldn’t understand that his issues and the way he treated me were deal breakers. I had enough self-love at that point to know I deserved to be treated better. She didn’t. In the past, what she said would have made me go back to Bob. But my understanding trumped hers and I knew I should stop trying to make her recognize that an unhealthy boyfriend isn’t better than none.

Some people will never understand and it’s okay to move forward if they don’t.

Your friend doesn’t have to understand that time for yourself is more important to you than babysitting for her kids so she can have time for herself. Your mom doesn’t have to understand why you don’t have time to talk at 10AM every day. Your colleague doesn’t have to understand why you bring your lunch and prefer not to go out to eat. Your friend doesn’t have to understand why you want to do volunteer work on your vacation when she wants you to go with her to a resort hotel.

If you’ve explained more than once and the person still doesn’t get it, just leave it alone and don’t try anymore.

I’ve actually told people I don’t want to discuss it further since they don’t understand, and I don’t, even if they don’t understand that either. You can drive yourself crazy trying to change a judgment someone makes about you or live with it and let them deal with it or stew. Either way, you’re entitled to your own choices, taste in clothing, preferences about movies you like, decisions about how to eat. You’ll rarely get through to a devout barbecued meat lover about why you’re a vegan, or convince someone who hates being alone about the joy of going to the movies solo.

What matters is not letting their lack of understanding make you question your choices.

As long as YOU understand, keep going. As long as YOU like what you’re doing, it’s good. As long as YOU feel happy, you’re on the right path. DoorMats succumb to criticism or questions about choices or preferences. Nice People on Top own theirs! Most people who refuse to understand aren’t happy, so they question what you’re doing. Yet following your own path is the surest steps toward being happy. So, choose your happy path and let the unhappy people keep their negatives.

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