A reader, who I’ll call Mary, wrote asking how to handle a situation with the mom of her son’s 6-year old friend, who I’ll call Beth, Beth doesn’t understand and respect that working from home still means working. She expects Mary to be available to pick up her son from school if he gets sick or if her regular babysitter has a problem. Mary has tried explaining that she has work to do, just like Beth when she’s at her office, but Beth continues to act like Mary can do what she pleases and regularly puts her on the spot to play babysitter.

Mary asked “How can I stop Beth from coming to me to watch her son? How can I make her understand that my work time is just as important as hers, even if I’m doing it from home?”

I related to this as I also work at home and get frustrated by people who think that I’m available any time because I don’t go to a workplace with a boss to answer to. Yet my boss–me–is tougher than most or I wouldn’t get work done! People may never understand but you must set boundaries anyway, even if they get mad. Beth has gotten in the habit of counting on Mary, because she can’t imagine Mary being too busy to have her son over. Mary always feels defensive when she tries to get out of it. But like any other habit, this one can be broken with patience and consistency.

While I’m not wild about lying, sometimes little white ones can help break someone’s expectations of you. I suggest that Mary tell Beth she’s in the middle of a project that needs to get done the next time she asks for a favor. Every time Beth hits her up for babysitting during the day, Mary needs to have a work related issue that won’t allow her to do it. She can also tell Beth she’s on standby for important calls for a while so she couldn’t pick her son up early if he has a problem and she needs to find someone else who can.

All of this should be said nicely, but without acting sorry. When you say “I’m sorry I can’t…” the person will be more likely to keep trying to get you to do things. And you’re not sorry so why say it?!

After making a bunch of excuses, people often get the hint and break the habit of depending on you. I do think it’s important to also have talk with the mom and explain that you’re busy with work, even if you’re doing it at home and it can be hard to interrupt that work, just as it would be for her to be interrupted. Say that whether she understands or not, this is your situation and you’d appreciate her respecting your need to do your work. I like to put the person on the spot by saying something like, “You work hard so I know you must understand how it is when you need to work and can’t babysit someone’s child.” Smile. Thank her for understanding before she can reply. Be resolute if she argues.

In a real emergency, you might want to do someone a favor. But the habit of being someone’s go-to person must, and can, be broken by consistently turning them down with legitimate sounding excuses. After the first few, I’m able to just say, “I can’t” when asked to do something that’s inconvenient. It’s your decision to let someone put you on the spot to do things you absolutely don’t want to do. And, you have the power to stop someone from expecting you to be there for them just because you work at home. Use it!
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