The title of this article may seem confusing. What is fighting well? Shouldn’t we try not to fight at all? Nope, fighting can be healthy, depending on how you do it. When someone proudly tells me that she and her husband never fight, I tell her they’re avoiding problems, not solving them. Fighting allows you to air your grievances and solve issues between you and someone else. But first you need to know how to fight well, and smart.

Fighting does not just mean going at each other, physically or with hard, loud words, which isn’t fighting well. Fighting well is airing your feelings while respecting the other person and not getting mean or using nasty words.  Letting your anger guide your communication often leads to fighting dirty, which just makes matters worse. You might feel better at the moment if you tell someone off with an attack on who they are or cursing or saying things you know will hurt the other person.

Fighting dirty is nasty and won’t get you anywhere, except to hurt the other person.

On a spiritual level, being mean will come back to you in ways you don’t like. But besides that, it’s plain old not nice and also not satisfying in the long run. Being mean doesn’t feel good. And it creates more problems between not only you and the person you fight with but can affect relationships with the friends or colleagues you and the person share, if they talk badly about you after.

Fighting well means you keep your emotions in check. You may get a bit heated at times, and that’s okay. But don’t let them carry you into fighting dirty territory. You may disagree with the person but keep in mind why you want them in your life to temper any impulse to hurt them or make them feel bad. Just express your point without resorting to jabs.

It’s healthy to fight with people you care about when you don’t like something they did or have a different point of view about how something should be done or a decision that must be made involving both of you. Disagreements clear the air between you and anyone you have an issue with. Fighting dirty pollutes the air and can make it hard to return to a good place. How do you fight well?

•    Stick to the facts. Don’t bring up old issues or speak in emotional terms that aren’t clear. State what bothers you and why. Ask for suggestions on how to resolve it.

•    Don’t make a personal attack. Things like, “You’re stupid to feel that way” must be kept out of the fight. Keep a friendly tone and state what needs to be resolved, without venting with an emotional tone.

•    Keep the tone of your voice in check. Friendly is best but when emotions kick in, try not to get hostile. That will set the other person off and what you’re fighting about won’t get resolved.

•    Try to understand the other person’s point of view. You may not agree but when you can at least see why the person feels their way and acknowledge their feelings from a place of understanding their point, you can explain yours in ways they’ll listen to more.

•    Be willing to compromise. Even if you don’t agree with the other person, try to find a middle ground to resolve the issue. Holding fast to your point without giving in to some of what the person feels or needs, will just keep the issue raw and never solve anything.

Fighting fair resolves issues and keeps relationships strong, whether it’s with a romantic partner, a friend, a colleague or your mom. Holding in what bothers you creates resentment and hurts the relationship. Just keep in mind that you care about the person, or at least want to keep him or her as an ally. Speak your mind with good intentions and do your best to work it out in an amicable way.
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Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2012 HERE.

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